Sitting as a counselor for twelve years and having people give you permission to literally
look into the recesses of their souls built within me a set of convictions about the human
race that could not have been gained in any other manner.
One of those convictions concerns how the dynamics of internal motivation intertwines
almost imperceptibly with that individual’s capacity to motivate others. I have come to
call my conviction Fill And Spill (for lack of a catchier title). In these final pages, I’d like
to try and help you see what I see.
“We treat others like we treat ourselves” is an understanding that forms the basis of my
understanding. In other words, how our internal parent treats our internal child spills
over into our daily dealings. Soon our external treatment of others mirrors those more
internal and personal dealings.
Do you know someone who cuts others no slack? S/he constantly criticizes and is
never happy with anyone’s performance. With your new understanding, you have been
given a window into their soul. When they are along with themselves in those most
personal of moments, you now know how their internal parent speaks to their internal
child. Never satisfied the internal parent gives the internal child no rest from incessant
naggings to do better. There is no rest for that child, because nothing is or
will be good enough.
Do you know someone whose life seems totally out of control? Their weight is out of
control, their time management is out of control, their finances are out of control, and
their relationships are out of control. You are watching the effects of an internal parent
unable to control an internal child. Possibly the internal parent sets no limits or possibly
the internal parent sets unrealistic limits. The results of both behaviors on the child’s
behavior are oftentimes exactly the same.
However, for the sake of our discussion the above understanding brings to light the truth
that we will be no more successful in motivating others than we are in motivating
ourselves. The people who most consistently motivate others have first used the
techniques in this book on themselves and then began treating others just like they
treated themselves. They filled themselves through a healthy relationship of the internal
parent to the child and it spilled over and got on those with whom they associated. It
has never worked any other way.