Available Balance
Just A Little Thing We Call Love

Falling in love is the most easiest yet hardest thing we do. We take a risk with our hearts for a chance of happiness or heartbreak. Oh how I wish love was so simple. But no, there’s always the wrong person that can ruin our idea of what real love is. Too many people get used and taken advantage of. Because we get so use to being played, that’s when we build a wall to keep our emotions checked. We don’t know what a good thing is when the right person does come along because we get so use to getting hurt. We push others away or have so much trust issues that it ruins the “what could be”, scenario. So what can we do if we feel maybe someone we date or fall for seems right? We need to live in the moment. Cherish the little things and create memories. Focus on you two and communicate. Don’t let outsiders invade or influence your relationship. Don’t take advice from others about your relationship because no one knows more about your relationship then the two that’s in the relationship. Don’t take each other for granted. Respect each other and stay faithful. Don’t let temptation in. Fully trust one another and learn to put each other first. Relationships are hard work and love is a beautiful thing. If you aren’t ready to date or commit to someone, don’t lead anyone on. Just stay single if you’re the type to wanna have fun and mess around. No one deserves to get hurt. If you really care for someone, you have to understand no relationship is perfect and there will be fights. It’s okay for two people to have disagreements, that’s what makes both of you different. But don’t be the couple to fight in public or around friends and family. Keep your business, your business. No one needs to get in between what you’ll have going on because as long as you communicate, it can get worked out. Keep your relationship interesting, meaning always flirt with each other. Keep the spark there. Make time to spend time together. Two people need t have a special bond and closeness to really understand each other. Get to understand your partner deeply. Let them know you will always be there for them so they can see they can be comfortable to open to you about anything. It seems like it’s a lot with being with someone and being in love but it takes time and effort. Take what I say and use it to help your relationship or make it great. Good luck!

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Beyond The External Feeling of a Child 2
November 28, 2017
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As an important addendum to what has already been said in this book, I believe that it is

important to state how important the spiritual dimension is to the ultimate application of

the principles stated in this book.

I have found that each of us tends to treat ourselves like we feelGod treats us. The

word feel in the previous sentence is important. I believe that we can know God treats

us one way and yet feel like He treats us another. It’s the difference between the head

and the heart.

I encourage you to go to http://www.askapastor.org/ebooksand download the ebook

entitled “Painting Your Picture Of God.” Beginning with a self profile, it will take you

through a series of studies designed to show you where your view of God might be

hindering your forward progress in applying the principles in this book.

I wish to close this book with the one question I heard myself using in counselling more

than any other. Even after spending hours hearing about the intense pain in an

individual’s life through stories that oftentimes brought tears to my eyes, I knew that this

singular question had to be asked. So I learned to sit back in my chair, look the person

in the eye, and dare to ask the question “What are you going to do about it?”

More than that, I learned to wait for an answer.

Most of the time the question would sound so cruel that the person to whom it was

addressed would physically react as though I had punched or slapped them. The room

would fill with an awkward silence. However, what at first seemed a cruel question

became an empowering question. As the person was able to form their answer

sometimes over minutes, sometimes days, months or even years, they would find

themselves extricating themselves from the bindings that had shackled both them and

their dreams.

So I end this book by asking you the same question. Now after reading this book, what

are you going to do about it? Please take your time. But please do answer that

question.

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Beyond The External Feeling of a Child
November 28, 2017
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Sitting as a counselor for twelve years and having people give you permission to literally

look into the recesses of their souls built within me a set of convictions about the human

race that could not have been gained in any other manner.

One of those convictions concerns how the dynamics of internal motivation intertwines

almost imperceptibly with that individual’s capacity to motivate others. I have come to

call my conviction Fill And Spill (for lack of a catchier title). In these final pages, I’d like

to try and help you see what I see.

“We treat others like we treat ourselves” is an understanding that forms the basis of my

understanding. In other words, how our internal parent treats our internal child spills

over into our daily dealings. Soon our external treatment of others mirrors those more

internal and personal dealings.

Do you know someone who cuts others no slack? S/he constantly criticizes and is

never happy with anyone’s performance. With your new understanding, you have been

given a window into their soul. When they are along with themselves in those most

personal of moments, you now know how their internal parent speaks to their internal

child. Never satisfied the internal parent gives the internal child no rest from incessant

naggings to do better. There is no rest for that child, because nothing is or

will be good enough.

Do you know someone whose life seems totally out of control? Their weight is out of

control, their time management is out of control, their finances are out of control, and

their relationships are out of control. You are watching the effects of an internal parent

unable to control an internal child. Possibly the internal parent sets no limits or possibly

the internal parent sets unrealistic limits. The results of both behaviors on the child’s

behavior are oftentimes exactly the same.

However, for the sake of our discussion the above understanding brings to light the truth

that we will be no more successful in motivating others than we are in motivating

ourselves. The people who most consistently motivate others have first used the

techniques in this book on themselves and then began treating others just like they

treated themselves. They filled themselves through a healthy relationship of the internal

parent to the child and it spilled over and got on those with whom they associated. It

has never worked any other way.

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Hearing A Child Is Good – Round Up
November 28, 2017
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REINFORCEMENT compels us to ask the question “when was the last time you

rewarded the internal child for something the child did that pleased the parent?” Too

many times the only instances in which the internal parent talks to the child is when the

child has displeased the parent. Still in other instances the child is never able to

completely please the parent. The parent responds to the child’s performances with a

“not bad, but it could have been better” attitude. Such an attitude usually leads to the

child either dropping out or over achieve in an attempt to please the parent. Take a

moment to consider how you could more consistently build in rewards for the child.

You’ll find that it goes along ways to producing that desired motivation.

EXTINCTION asks that important question “Do I ever reward my inner child for doing

something I want him/her to quit doing?” In other words “Am I too permissive with my

inner child?” When the child does something I’m wanting to quit, do I reward the child

by continuing to do whatever we would have done if he/she hadn’t done it?” If you were

sitting in my counseling office, we would explore this question. However, without that

opportunity, you must explore this area for yourself. However, some of my clients have

told me that they have discovered that when the internal child “disobeyed,” the internal

parent felt so badly that they would go to a party just to feel better thus actually

rewarding the child for inappropriate behavior. In other words, no matter how the child

behaved nothing changed. This only reinforces undesirable behavior.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES are usually a part of everything we do. However,

sometimes as a parent we don’t allow our child to experience the natural consequences

of that behavior. The most common method of doing that with the internal child is to

use alcohol, some other drug, sex, or even work to deaden the feelings of the pain that

could change the behavior of the internal child. By anesthetizing the pain, we dilute its

power to change the child’s undesirable behavior.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES can be imposed by the internal parent when the natural

consequences might completely destroy the internal child. The question to ask is

“When the internal child disobeys, are there any consequences to his/her behavior?”

Sometimes this is the removal of something that the child really wants to do. Have you

ever used this method of disciplining yourself?

PHYSICAL SPANKING is difficult to translate into the internal realm of the internal

parent/child relationship. However, at times I have verbally spanked my internal child.

As in physically spanking my child, I must be careful not to cross that line into child

abuse so to must I also be careful that in verbally spanking my child I don’t verbally

abuse my child. Belittling, name calling, and making the internal child feel worthless will

only demotivate and prove to be counterproductive to inner drive.IMITATION causes me

to ask if I am spending time with people who are also filled with inner drive. Time and

time again I find myself learning that I tend to become like those with whom I associate.

If I allow my internal child to be with other demotivated internal children, the process of

becoming internally motivated will be made difficult.

Do you remember the question about childhood discipline that you answered earlier in

the chapter on Secret Two? We will continue to discipline ourselves in the same

manner in which our parents disciplined us unless we stop to evaluate the effectiveness

of the methods they used.

What have you learned about yourself in relation to your own self discipline from

reading this chapter?

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Hearing A Child Is Good 3
November 28, 2017
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Right at the beginning of this chapter I wish to make a statement that at first glance

might sound heretical. However, I believe that EVERYONE EXERCISES SELF

DISCIPLINE. Even that person you know who’s never on time and always

procrastinates on even the smallest of decisions exercises self discipline. To say it still

another way, I believe that everyone disciplines them self.

As alluded to earlier, when our parents cease parenting us, we continue to parent

ourselves. That internal parent disciplines the child. However, some people just use

better discipline methods and consequently achieve better results.

The chart below shows several approaches to discipline that every parent has at their

disposal when seeking to discipline their children.

METHODS OF DISCIPLINE

  1. Communication
  2. When To Use
  3. In all cases
  4. Before any other methods are tried.
  5. Lesson The Child Learns

“By talking, I see the advantages and disadvantages of my planned action.

Therefore, I will willingly do the proper thing. My parents respect me and I think

they have good ideas.”

  1. Reinforcement
  2. When To Use — Anytime you want to strengthen a desirable behavior.
  3. Lesson The Child Learns

“When I do the desirable thing, I get rewarded for it. Therefore, I will do it again.”

III. Extinction

  1. When To Use — Anytime you want to weaken undesirable behaviour
  2. Lesson The Child Learns
  3. “When I behave undesirably, I do not get any reward. Therefore, there is no
  4. sense in doing that again.”
  5. Natural Consequences
  6. When To Use
  7. When you want to weaken undesirable behavior.
  8. When communication and extinction have not worked.
  9. Lesson The Child Learns
  10. “When I do some things, I get hurt. Nobody else has anything to do with it. I just
  11. bring on a bad experience. Therefore, I will not do that again.”
  12. Logical Consequences
  13. When To Use
  14. When you want to weaken undesirable behavior.
  15. When communication and extinction have not worked.
  16. When no natural consequences exists.
  17. When natural consequences would cause severe or lasting hurt to the
  18. Lesson The Child Learns
  19. “The world has many people. When I do something that is wrong, they may
  20. impose some undesirable consequences. Therefore, I will do my part in order
  21. to avoid the negative consequences.”
  22. Physical Spanking
  23. When To Use — When all other methods have failed.
  24. Lesson The Child Learns

“My parents are my authority. They have the experience to know what is right

and to enforce their guidelines by inflicting physical pain. Though I do not like it

at the time, I am learning it is for my good and they do it because they love me.”

VIII. Imitation

  1. When To Use — This method is in continuous operation.
  2. Lesson The Child Learns — “My parents are strong and grown-up. Since

they act that way, so do I.”

There is no question that all of the above techniques are not equally effective in

achieving the desired results. Our question is which ones work the best and how can

we then incorporate them into our internal motivations. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Within each of the next few paragraphs, I give you some questions about each

discipline technique that will help make that transition to your inner child.

COMMUNICATION reminds us about the power of communication. Just as the

ineffective parent always responds to an older child’s question of “Why?” with “Because

I said so!” the internal parent can carry that same ineffective communication into the

internal relationship. If you want the inner child to begin doing something, be sure to

communicate the “why” behind your desire. Some reasons are better than others, so

don’t be afraid to let the child respond with his or her questions. Positive

communication from the internal parent always shows respect for the child and helps to

alleviate the rebellion of the inner child.

The inner child can easily rebel when treated with disrespect by the internal parent.

When the internal parent merely draws a line on the ground and commands that the

child not cross it, the first thing the inner child will want to do is to cross the line.

Communicating good reasons along with the parent’s desire will help prevent that

internal rebellion from sabotaging self discipline.

As part of the bigger picture, the following diagram explains alot! When a child is first

born, the emotions are high and the logic is low. A baby cries and cries but reasons

very little. The goal of the parent is to bring the emotion down so that the logic can

come up.

A parent’s attempts at unconditional love, acceptance and commitment brings that

security. However, in the early years of a child’s life, touch is the only way to

communicate that positive energy. Merely talking to the child in those early years just

won’t do it. When a child is raised in a touch deprived environment, an internal anxiety

develops.

In a healthy parent-child relationship, while love is bringing the emotions down,

discipline is bringing the logic up. Reasonable and consistent discipline literally teaches

a child how to make decisions.

When love and acceptance is missing from the mix, the emotions aren’t brought down

but rather carry the child out into adulthood with an almost undefinable sense of

insecurity. As long as that condition exists, the ability to logically deal with the internal

child in a reasonable and consistent manner is very difficult. That’s why understanding

the inner child and adjusting parental expectations to fit that child is foundational to

coming to building towards this stage in the book.

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Hearing A Child Is Good 3
November 28, 2017
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Right at the beginning of this chapter I wish to make a statement that at first glance

might sound heretical. However, I believe that EVERYONE EXERCISES SELF

DISCIPLINE. Even that person you know who’s never on time and always

procrastinates on even the smallest of decisions exercises self discipline. To say it still

another way, I believe that everyone disciplines them self.

As alluded to earlier, when our parents cease parenting us, we continue to parent

ourselves. That internal parent disciplines the child. However, some people just use

better discipline methods and consequently achieve better results.

The chart below shows several approaches to discipline that every parent has at their

disposal when seeking to discipline their children.

METHODS OF DISCIPLINE

  1. Communication
  2. When To Use
  3. In all cases
  4. Before any other methods are tried.
  5. Lesson The Child Learns

“By talking, I see the advantages and disadvantages of my planned action.

Therefore, I will willingly do the proper thing. My parents respect me and I think

they have good ideas.”

  1. Reinforcement
  2. When To Use — Anytime you want to strengthen a desirable behavior.
  3. Lesson The Child Learns

“When I do the desirable thing, I get rewarded for it. Therefore, I will do it again.”

III. Extinction

  1. When To Use — Anytime you want to weaken undesirable behaviour
  2. Lesson The Child Learns
  3. “When I behave undesirably, I do not get any reward. Therefore, there is no
  4. sense in doing that again.”
  5. Natural Consequences
  6. When To Use
  7. When you want to weaken undesirable behavior.
  8. When communication and extinction have not worked.
  9. Lesson The Child Learns
  10. “When I do some things, I get hurt. Nobody else has anything to do with it. I just
  11. bring on a bad experience. Therefore, I will not do that again.”
  12. Logical Consequences
  13. When To Use
  14. When you want to weaken undesirable behavior.
  15. When communication and extinction have not worked.
  16. When no natural consequences exists.
  17. When natural consequences would cause severe or lasting hurt to the
  18. Lesson The Child Learns
  19. “The world has many people. When I do something that is wrong, they may
  20. impose some undesirable consequences. Therefore, I will do my part in order
  21. to avoid the negative consequences.”
  22. Physical Spanking
  23. When To Use — When all other methods have failed.
  24. Lesson The Child Learns

“My parents are my authority. They have the experience to know what is right

and to enforce their guidelines by inflicting physical pain. Though I do not like it

at the time, I am learning it is for my good and they do it because they love me.”

VIII. Imitation

  1. When To Use — This method is in continuous operation.
  2. Lesson The Child Learns — “My parents are strong and grown-up. Since

they act that way, so do I.”

There is no question that all of the above techniques are not equally effective in

achieving the desired results. Our question is which ones work the best and how can

we then incorporate them into our internal motivations. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Within each of the next few paragraphs, I give you some questions about each

discipline technique that will help make that transition to your inner child.

COMMUNICATION reminds us about the power of communication. Just as the

ineffective parent always responds to an older child’s question of “Why?” with “Because

I said so!” the internal parent can carry that same ineffective communication into the

internal relationship. If you want the inner child to begin doing something, be sure to

communicate the “why” behind your desire. Some reasons are better than others, so

don’t be afraid to let the child respond with his or her questions. Positive

communication from the internal parent always shows respect for the child and helps to

alleviate the rebellion of the inner child.

The inner child can easily rebel when treated with disrespect by the internal parent.

When the internal parent merely draws a line on the ground and commands that the

child not cross it, the first thing the inner child will want to do is to cross the line.

Communicating good reasons along with the parent’s desire will help prevent that

internal rebellion from sabotaging self discipline.

As part of the bigger picture, the following diagram explains alot! When a child is first

born, the emotions are high and the logic is low. A baby cries and cries but reasons

very little. The goal of the parent is to bring the emotion down so that the logic can

come up.

A parent’s attempts at unconditional love, acceptance and commitment brings that

security. However, in the early years of a child’s life, touch is the only way to

communicate that positive energy. Merely talking to the child in those early years just

won’t do it. When a child is raised in a touch deprived environment, an internal anxiety

develops.

In a healthy parent-child relationship, while love is bringing the emotions down,

discipline is bringing the logic up. Reasonable and consistent discipline literally teaches

a child how to make decisions.

When love and acceptance is missing from the mix, the emotions aren’t brought down

but rather carry the child out into adulthood with an almost undefinable sense of

insecurity. As long as that condition exists, the ability to logically deal with the internal

child in a reasonable and consistent manner is very difficult. That’s why understanding

the inner child and adjusting parental expectations to fit that child is foundational to

coming to building towards this stage in the book.

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Hearing A Child Is Good 2
November 28, 2017
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The lower lefthand quadrant of the chart has to do with your Values. Now at first we

think of moral values, and certainly that’s a component addressed by the questions in

that quadrant. However, there are also work values that play a key role.

Here is a list of some key work values. Again you may find it helpful to circle the ones

that you value most in the workplace:

sense of achievement advancement adventure aesthetics

position of authority autonomy balance compensation

competition creativity detail work efficiency

fast pace flexibility helping others integrity

intellectual stimulation leadership leisure time location

management moral fulfilment personal growth prestige

public attention recognition research responsibility

routine security social contacts team

After circling some of the above words, you might even have more to add to the lower

lefthand quadrant on the chart.

Finally, the lower right hand quadrant has to do with Destiny. Certainly the most

nebulous of them all, this quadrant addresses the fact that truly successful people have

a sense that they are “doing what they were made to do.” The questions in the chart

will guide you to some words you can use to fill in the blanks.

Please . . . take a moment now to complete the chart on the following page before

continuing in this chapter.

As you can see from the chart, the highest level of internal motivation occurs when an

individual’s Passion, Talent, Values, and Sense of Destiny converge in one activity!

After completing the chart, look for common activities in all four quadrants, and you will

begin to find those clues that will lead you to discover what the child wants to do.

These commonalities can be used to guide you as you “job sculpt” in order to make

your endeavors fit the internal child in every-increasing ways.

However, there is a broader issue at play as a sub-text of the chart. The entire chart is

based on having acquired a self knowledge. And that self knowledge can only be

acquired through an often painful process of trial and error fraught with many

opportunities for failures. This capacity to take the risks necessary to gain self

knowledge will be found in all those people with a healthy inner drive. Giving the

internal child permission to fail is crucial to the successful completion of that process.

That last thought takes me back to watching my four children learn how to walk. It was

quite a predictable process. They would begin by pulling themselves up in their crib.

Then they would “scoot” wherever they went. Eventually, they would pull themselves up

on their favorite chair and then begin a process I referred to as “cruising.” They would

move around the outside of rooms from piece of furniture to piece of furniture not letting

go of one before they had grasped the next in the series. Finally, one day they decided

to take one of the biggest risks of their short lives. They let go of the piece of furniture

without the support of another piece. They stood their and wobbled — working

themselves up to taking that first step.

Watching them take that first step brought yet another observation to the forefront. The

first step was always down! They would step, teeter and fall. At that very moment my

response to them became crucial. If I pointed, laughed and ridiculed or became angry

with that first attempt, my children very likely would have grown up on the floor. Fearful

of incurring my scorn or anger, they would have ceased doing what they needed to do

in order to walk (i.e. falling down).

That process we learned first in walking is repeated over and over again throughout our

lives as we try something and fail only to try something else and succeed. Self

knowledge occurs no other way. The ability to accurately complete the form in this

chapter only comes through many falling down experiences that showed us what wasn’t

our passion, talent, value or destiny.

So if you find it difficult to complete the form, ask yourself the following questions. “Out

of ten decisions that your internal child will make how many will be good ones?” “Out of

ten projects that your internal child undertakes to do how many will s/he successfully

complete?” If you answered “ten” or even “nine” or “eight” to either of those questions,

you are in all probability expecting too much from that little child. Fearful of not living

up to the internal parent’s expectations, the child plays it too safe not taking the

necessary risks to learn more about its passion, talent, values, and destiny. I wish that

there was another way of getting there, and I will certainly keep looking for one.

However, if there is a safer way, it has alluded every client I’ve every seen and me too.

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Hearing A Child Is Good
November 28, 2017
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A man with black hair, wearing a gray collared shirt, khaki pants and grayish brown shoes, closes his eyes and opens his mouth to cry, left hand rubs his left eye while weeping

How do you react to the title of this chapter? If you react at all negatively at the thought

that it advocates fulfilling your wants, it is a good indication that the natural motivation of

your internal child has been buried at least to some extent under a pile of internal

parental “ought to’s.” As seen in the previous chapter, the child voice speaks in terms

of “what is” while the parent speaks in terms of “what ought to be.”

I encourage you to silence the internal parent during the reading of this chapter so that

the child’s voice can be heard. Internal motivation and newfound enthusiasm will occur

as the child discovers again the path that will lead him/her to what s/he truly wants to

do.

A study of very successfully motivated people has produced the chart on the following

page.

The chart summarizes the four commonalities of those successfully motivated people.

First. . . the upper lefthand quadrant indicates that these people worked in their area of

Passion. What would you do if money was no object? What do you enjoy doing as a

hobby? Truly successful people have found ways of incorporating their areas of

passion into their work.

Secondly, the upper righthand quadrant has to do with Talent. No one can get very

motivated about working in an area in which they don’t have talent. This is a very

difficult area in which to self-assess. A good question in that quadrant is “what have

others told you you’re good at?

In helping you identify talents, you might take a moment to look at the following list of

words and just circle the one(s) that you like to do:

administering counselling exploring instructing

analyzing deciding filing inventing

auditing diagnosing gathering leading

collaborating exhibiting inspiring monitoring

nurturing negotiating selling thinking

painting recruiting sharing troubleshooting

photographing rehabilitating speaking tutoring

planting reporting summarizing writing

predicting researching systematizing promoting

restoring resolving tabulating supervising

If you like to do it, there’s a very good chance that you’re good at it.

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trust-1288018_960_720Trusting Your Child Is Necessary 2
November 28, 2017
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On those mornings, there is very real tension in my life. Whenever my “what is” does

not match my “what ought to be,” I am under stress. In fact that is the heart of any

stress that I feel. To say it yet another way, any stress that I feel can always be traced

back to a tension between “what is” and what I feel “ought to be.”

However, let me take a moment to clarify healthy tension from unhealthy tension. I am

not advocating a life devoid of all tension (see the chapter on Secret Five for an

elaboration on this point). Every great discovery has always been the result of

someone believing that “what is” is not “what ought to be!” The car was invented

because Henry Ford believed that although walking or riding a horse was certainly

“what is,” it was not what “ought to be!”

That type of healthy stress motivates us. However, the tension that demotivates us can

be found when I insist that the unchangeable realities of my life just shouldn’t be! When

I fight my realities either on the job or in my personal life, unhealthy stress erodes my

motivation.

This should help make it clearer. Imagine that there is a “Room Of Reality.” Within that

room, sometimes I’m sick sometimes I’m well; sometimes I make good decisions,

sometimes I make bad decisions; sometimes I make money, sometimes I lose money;

and the list goes on.

Much of what is inside that room I don’t like. In fact my “ought to’s” fight the “what is” of

that room with great vigor! When I’m a child, I live outside of the room. My parents’ role

is to gradually usher me into that room. Anyone with teenagers can appreciate just

how much they fight entering and then staying in that room. We too can fight facing the

realities about the world around us as well as our internal child. We want him/her to be

someone they aren’t equipped to be. Our expectations of the child can be completely

unreasonable, and the child becomes demoralized by the height of the standards.

Many of us grew up in a time when parents did not base their expectations of us upon

any understanding of us as unique individuals. Instead they just pulled their “ought to’s”

out of the air (or out of a book). And if we don’t stop and consider what’s happening, we

will continue to talk to and raise ourselves just like our parents raised us (even if we

don’t agree with their methodologies). That’s why so often the voice of the internal

parent (its words and tone of voice) can be traced back directly to a parent of significant

parental model in our lives as children.

As we learn to listen to the internal child, we will hear some honest words that could

dramatically change the “ought to’s” of the parent. As with all parents, some internal

parents hold unreasonably high demands while some expect little or nothing from the

child. Both approaches directly affect motivation.

Who hasn’t ‘t been frustrated as you tried to type on a computer with someone looking

over your shoulder? You get nervous and make more mistakes when someone is

watching that closely. Or have you ever driven down the interstate with a policeman

behind you? It’s easy to become so nervous that you actually speed. An internal

parent who monitors the child too closely will find the child filled with anxiety and

actually performing worse than if the parent “gave the child some space” and room for

making mistakes.

Of course the other extreme is also extremely detrimental. The permissive internal

parent allows the child to say and do anything with no censorship. The result of this

laissez-faire dynamic is a complete lack of self discipline. See the chapter on Secret

Five for a more detailed examination of this style of relationship.

As this chapter concludes take a moment to again sit quietly and give permission to

your internal child to speak in complete honesty about the expectations of the internal

parent. What expectations does the child believe are unreasonably high? Are there

any areas in which the child would desire more structure from the parent? Listen and

write any response from the child in the space at the top of the next page.

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Trusting Your Child Is Necessary
November 28, 2017
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trust-1288018_960_720

Trusting a child is necessary for the child to grow with confidence.

Once you have begun to accept the child, you are ready to begin trusting the child to

express himself/herself and do things in ways that will be unique to them self. Up to this

stage the internal parent might not have been listening to the child. Instead whenever

the child had an idea the parent might have put it down as “silly” or “stupid” or merely

sought to control every action or thought of the child.

What a loss! As you will soon discover, it is deep within the child that the purest of

honesty exists. Who hasn’t feared taking their young children into public lest a too

honest statement might come from their lips. “That man has bad breath” when stated

within hearing distance of “that man” is certainly enough to bring a blush to the face of

any parent. As the parent lives in the world of “ought to’s” and “should’s” the child

comes boldly in with statements of “what is.”

Another way to look at this might be to consider that in every situation that life brings to

us we both think about it and feel about it.

Our feelings tend to be our more childlike side (“what is”) while our thinking plays the

role of the internal parent (“what ought to be”).

This morning when I first looked in the mirror my internal child expressed itself by saying

deep inside of myself something like “WOW! You have a large nose!” He was merely

expressing an honest statement (I do have a fairly large nose). On some mornings, the

internal parent will censor the child by saying something like “How dare you speak that

way. Shut up!” On other mornings, the parent will throw an “ought to” into the mix by

siding with the child and saying something like “You sure do have a large nose and you

SHOULDN’T have one that big.”

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