There are some ways for you to cope with your partner who has tattoo on the body and you dislike it…

Maybe you are shocked and appalled because your partner just came home with a surprise tattoo. Or maybe you told your partner in advance that you don’t like tattoos but they got one anyway. Regardless of the exact circumstances, you hate tattoos and your partner now has one. The best way to cope with your partner’s tattoo is to communicate your feelings to your partner, discover why your partner got a tattoo, and come to terms with the tattoo. Also, remember that you are with your partner because of the emotional connection you have with them, and not because of what they look like. Changing their appearance slightly with a tattoo should not change your emotional connection with your significant other.

Method One of Three:
Discovering Why Your Partner Got a Tattoo
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1
Ask your partner the significance of the tattoo. Many people get tattoos that have some form of significance or symbolic meaning. Ask your partner what their tattoo represents. This may help you understand the tattoo better and come to terms with it.[1]
For example, a tattoo of a name, initials, or a date may symbolize the death of a family member or close friend.
Alternatively, the tattoo could symbolize a hobby or passion. For example, of a tree may symbolize a passion for the outdoors.
Some tattoos are also meant as a form of motivation. For instance, they provide something to look at on a bad day to give inspiration.

2
Find out what motivated them to get a tattoo. Certain events, such as a major birthday, a new job, the completion of a degree, or the birth of a child, could motivate an individual to get a tattoo. In these cases the tattoo is meant to commemorate or celebrate a certain occasion. You may be more inclined to accept the tattoo despite the fact that you don’t like it, if you realize that a major event motivated your partner to get the tattoo.

3
Listen to your partner. When your partner is explaining the origins of their tattoo, it is important that you actively listen to them. This will demonstrate that you care about what they are saying and are interested in learning about their tattoo. This will also help you and your partner have a constructive conversation about the tattoo, rather than just getting into an argument.[2]
Lean in to the conversation, make eye contact, and nod occasionally to demonstrate that you are listening.
Ask follow up questions to show that you are engaged in the conversation.

4
Accept that they may not have a “good” reason. Your partner may not have a “good” reason (in your opinion) for getting a tattoo, but they may feel as though their reason for getting the tattoo was a good one. Even after they have explained the tattoo, you may continue to disagree with the decision. Try and accept the fact that maybe your partner just wanted a tattoo and likes the concept of body art. It is important to respect your partner’s decisions about how they want their body to look.
Remember that a tattoo may change your partner’s appearance slightly, but it will not change the bond that you share with your partner.
Explain your apprehension before they get a tattoo. If your partner has been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while, you should explain why you don’t like tattoos before they actually get one. For instance, maybe tattoos are a trigger for you and bring back unpleasant memories and experiences. Or maybe you find tattoos unprofessional and unattractive. Once you explain why you don’t like tattoos, your partner may decide not to get one.[3]
Remember that your partner has the right to control the appearance of their own body. Avoid using your apprehension about tattoos as a way to manipulate your partner into not getting a tattoo. You can share your apprehension, but try to be respectful of your partner’s wishes.

2
Share your feelings after the fact. If your partner comes home with a surprise tattoo without any warning, you should still vocalize your feelings. However, be sure to be respectful and keep in mind that your partner has the right to do what they want to do with their body. For example, you could say “I wish you would have told me you wanted to get a tattoo; that way we could have talked about it in advance and come to a compromise.” This will allow you to get your feelings off your chest and you and your partner can come to an understanding.[4]
If your partner got a surprise tattoo of your name or image, it was likely intended as a nice gesture. You should not be overly critical because they are trying to demonstrate their commitment and feelings towards your relationship.

3
Use a calm and gentle tone. When you are talking with your partner about their new tattoo, do not shout or use an aggressive tone. Instead, you should approach the conversation in a calm and gentle manner. This way you are not attacking your partner, but instead trying to come to an understanding. Take a deep breath before speaking.[5]
You could also try taking some time to cool down before approaching your partner about their new tattoo.

4
Ask your partner to include you next time. Perhaps you are upset because your partner did not tell you about the tattoo in advance. As a result, you feel as though your partner does not value your opinion. Explain to your partner that you feel overlooked and disrespected. If your partner understands that your negative response is coming from a place of hurt, they may be able to understand your position better and will include you the next time they decide to make a major change to their appearance.[6]
Realize this is not your decision. Once you and your partner have talked openly and honestly about the tattoo, you need to respect that this is not your body and therefore not your decision. You may not like the tattoo, but if you want to remain in a relationship with your partner, then it is a good idea to accept the fact that you have no control over what your partner puts on their body.[7]
You can always offer your opinion, but the ultimate decision is up to your partner about whether or not to get a tattoo.

2
Determine if the tattoo is a deal breaker for you. You may decide that you dislike tattoos so much that you can no longer be in a relationship with your partner. In some instances, the best way for you to cope is to leave the relationship. For example, if your partner got a tattoo that you found offensive, you may decide that you cannot be in a relationship with that person anymore. Try asking yourself some questions to determine your feelings for this person:
“What was it that initially attracted me to my partner? Is that attraction still there, or has it changed now because of the tattoo? Why?”
“What is the true root cause of my concerns with the tattoo?”
“What emotions am I feeling that are associated with the tattoo? Why am I feeling these emotions? Are the emotions actually attached to the tattoo, or the fact that my partner made the decision without talking to me?”
“Is the root cause of my emotions/concerns something that I can control or manage through healthy coping skills? Is it something that may need to be address with a counseling professional? Or is this something I am able to resolve on my own?”

3
Look for something positive about the tattoo. You may be able to cope best with the tattoo if you are able to find something you like about it. For instance, maybe it is small and not that noticeable so you can learn to live with it. Or maybe the tattoo is in a non-visible location and is predominantly hidden by clothes. Try and find something positive about the tattoo to help you cope.
As time goes on you will likely get used to the tattoo.
My partner would like to get a tattoo on his upper arm. The subject he’s chosen is adorable and not problematic. However, I’m having trouble with the concept of a new, permanent thing I’ll be looking at every day.

I have OCD, and tend to be somewhat apprehensive about new things in general. I’ve gotten used to my partner looking one way, and once he gets the tattoo, I’m afraid I’ll be super distracted by this new thing and always hone in on the tattoo instead of, say, my partner as a whole.

My rational mind says that this won’t be a problem, and that I won’t even consciously notice the tattoo within a couple of weeks. But the catastrophizing part says, “What if you don’t adjust, and it’s always distracting? What if your distraction affects your relationship?” etc.

I want to be 100% supportive of the tattoo, since it’s something he really wants, and not just pretend to be supportive (he’ll know the difference). I fully acknowledge that people’s appearances change with time and circumstance. Help my gut catch up to my brain, and my best intentions as a supportive partner, on this. Anecdotes about resolved ambivalence toward tattoos are certainly welcome. Thanks!
posted by delight to Human Relations (20 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

I don’t even notice my own tattoos unless I see them in a picture or something. And I don’t expect my partner to be “100% supportive” of anything I do on the tattoo level. Unless it’s on your partner’s face, you won’t be seeing it every day. Be patient. Avail yourself of the expectation that your support is essential for your partner to get this thing they want. Allow yourself ambivalence, you’re not the one going under the needle(s).

My rational mind says that this won’t be a problem

Correct! It won’t be a problem.

Think about it like this: your partner gets haircuts, right? And they’re like super close to the face/head which is pretty important to us deep down. I bet that’s not a problem!

this is a good exercise for not letting your own struggles influence how other people act. i have ocd too and it’s tempting to think ‘if i can just control everything and everyone it will all be fine’, but we know that’s not how it works. encourage him to get the tattoo and if it stirs anxieties in you, you’ll have a good chance to learn how to manage those specific reactions which will benefit you in the future.
I had similar feelings about my wife. She started with a not terribly small piece on her shoulder. Over the past year and a half, that’s expanded to both shoulders, upper arms, a sleeve on one forearm and more pieces on the other forearm, and a rather large chest piece.

You’ll just grow to love them as part of your partner.

Sometimes I’ll be shaving my legs and I’ll go to do my left ankle and I’ll be like where did I get that weird bruise oh wait no it’s a tattoo I’ve had for fourteen years now, I just got used to it and don’t even realize it’s there most of the time so on the rare occasions I DO notice it it’s kind of a surprise. Don’t worry, you really will adjust surprisingly quickly!

Your rational mind is right. It won’t be a problem. You’ll stop noticing it after a while. I have a very visible tattoo, and I tend to forget that it is on me.

I get that I don’t have OCD, and it’s probably different for you, but seriously, it’s something you will get used to. Or you won’t, but there’s nothing you can actually do about it? Unless you’re honestly willing to break up* with your partner over it.

I would do self-talk about this along the lines of other things that are outside your control. How do you handle the thought that it might rain on your vacation, for instance?

*My tattoos never lost me a relationship, but I have dated a few people I could tell didn’t find them attractive.