For most parents, the idea that their children don’t ‘need’ them is almost as horrifying as bereavement. Parents seems to want the kids to ask them what they should do, depend on them to make the world pretty, and always be there, no matter what.
Sometimes, this goes too far, and the child never really grows up.
I’ve written about the Mama’s Boy who virtually has is mother dress him when he’s in his forties, and there are women who share everything with their mothers as if her judgement is far beyond their abilities to reason.
Although this may feed the egos of the parents it is not healthy for the child.
One of the most terrifying images was being at a funeral for my friend, and his forty eight year old infant was bawling and unable to take care of himself.
This ‘infant’ having never had to stand on his own feet expected Daddy to look after him. He wanted Daddy to invest in his business, although he, this forty eight year old baby, couldn’t run a newspaper stand.
When Daddy died, that was it for the baby.
Having seen that I insured that my children began exercising judgement and taking responsibility as young as possible.
We would talk, they would tell me what happened, I would ask for their opinion, encourage them to think for themselves.
They all grew up quickly, all became independent early, and really don’t need me. They can want me, they can ask advice, they can discuss, but they can also come to their own decisions and take responsibility for the actions.
If ‘something happens’ they try to fix it on their own, as adults. They are happy to tell me how this happened to them, how they dealt with it.
It is so important to raise people and not children. There are too many over aged children walking about, unable to take responsibility for their actions, unable to perceive consequences, the population doesn’t need to increase.
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I simply hate all those so called infants who don't have the ability to take their decision on their own. Your parents should be your guide who shall refrain you from doing anything wring but depending on them for each and everything is completely unacceptable.
Such people can never ever live a happy married life. This is a hard fact and if parents don't realize this and try to make there kids independent then they are really ruining the life of their children.
It is a reality of life that each and every child has his own life and will have to manage it on his own as well. This is really important for everyone to understand.
It is the choice of parents whether they want to raise dependent kids or successful kids.
Exactly. Parents have to raise people, not children. Independent, capable people
Fortunately, I was able to raise our child well. At her grade one in elementary I initially taught her on her homeworks. Then I would review her for her tests.
However at the middle of the school year, she told me that she can manage already and would just ask me for help whenever she can't understand her homework. But since then, she never asked me again to assist her on her homeworks. She was one of the top 5 in grade one.
Comes, grade 2 she was the top 2 and she graduated valedictorian in elementary. At high school, she was a scholar at a Philippine Science High School. So with when she was at University of the Philippines. She graduated cumlaude.
Because she's a cumlaude, she passed for a scholarship at a posh hospital's school and graduated in Medicine as top 3.
Now, she's a doctor. :)
What is a bit disappointing though, is I feel that I wasn't much needed by her in terms of her studies. Though, she raves fro my cooking and would request for them whenever she's at home for vacations.
The point is to teach a child how to learn, and step back and let them. Once you gave her the basics, she's supposed to be able to manage. It is like teaching her to ride a bicycle. There comes a point you let go. And she goes on herself. So you did a very good job.
For me, much better if parents will teach their children at the young age to become independent. In that matter they will grow independent, wise, and can be able to decide for themselves unlike most children who become dependent on their parents in every aspect of their live without having the courage to with their own two feet. Truly, family is the best foundation to teach their children all the necessary values thet should know to become a better person in the near future.
Exactly. Too many parents smother a child, don't let them exercise their judgment, and constantly try to make their lives too easy. They don't develop the skills to be independent.
It is a big error for parents to always treat their children as kids even when they had grown up. They should allow them to be independent, to learn and lead a life of their own.
Parents can only give some advice if their children seek it; they can just guide their children to the right path of maturity.
One has to start young, raise them to feel they can make their own decisions, then, when they are adults, they are capable of doing this and parents can be so proud.
True I have observed many such cases here too. One of the reasons for that is the parents indulging in 'Helicopter Parenting'. They do not allow children to take decisions and own them up whatever the consequences. They say why are you doing these works we are there for you. Why do you have to go to the shop we will buy what you want for you. Why do you worry about money just ask what you like we will buy it for you. So on and so forth.
This same trend continues unfortunately even after marriage and it will lead to a mess as the children are still having the same mentality of the child and have not grownup. They have not been enabled by their parents. The parents on the other hand feel they have given the best to their children and have taken 100 percent care of this. While they have basically made them incapable, dependent and dysfunctional. A good topic well highlighted.
During the teenage years, children’s need for responsibility and autonomy gets stronger – it’s an important part of their path to young adulthood. To become capable adults, teenagers need to learn to make good decisions on their own.
The process of helping children take responsibility and make decisions is a key task for parents. You have an important role to play in training and supporting your child to be ready for more responsibility. This means you need to plan when and in what areas to let your child start making decisions.
How quickly you hand over responsibility to your teenager is up to you. It depends on many factors, including your own comfort level, your family and cultural traditions, and your child’s maturity.
Independence starts developing when you choose to stop actively controlling your child’s life. Instead, you give your child more autonomy and responsibility for her actions in some areas. You might not like all her choices or the results, but learning to be independent and responsible helps your child develop skills for life.
When you’re trying to decide whether to give your child more responsibility for a decision, you have three options – yes, no and maybe.