Available Balance
These Are My Growing Pains of Life

When I was a kid I ‘t think that I realized how big the world is. How much was really out there. I wouldn’t say that I was sheltered, but I would say that I was limited to what I knew because the people around me where limited to what they knew. It doesn’t seem that they really learned what all was all there as far as education and the power of knowing ones self.

I am an adult now, so I can’t blame my parents for the things that they never taught me because they themselves didn’t know. All I can do now and is learn everything that I can possibly learn and be the best mother that I can be with the tools that are provided to me.

I would be lying though if I said that I never stop and think what my life would be like if my mom taught or encouraged me to be happy in the skin that I am in. If she taught me how to begin to love myself, to find what it was that gave me passion and to run with it. To chase it down and capture every moment. To take note of every mistake and learn from them, to not be ashamed or afraid to fail, because after all, all the greats fell and what made them champions is their courage to get back up.  I wonder if my life would have been different. Not that my life is harder than anyone else. I am blessed with a husband and kids and we live comfortably. So I am grateful for the things we have and it’s not the material things that I yearn for, it’s just I wish there was someone who would have taught me more about life.

Life as a wife and mother. I struggle at both, but I believe that I am my worst crictic. Everyone around me tells me what a good job I am doing, my husband and kids are happy, but it’s me wishing that I would do better and more of this or that. Eventually, I’ll get there I guess, I am figuring it all out. That’s all that I can really do, right?

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Journey To A Better Me

It seems that since I have become a mother my whole life has changed. Usually that’s how it goes right? Your life is supposed to change because it’s no longer just you that you have to take care of. I remember after I had my oldest son I told myself that he was going to be the only one. Sure enough 3 more boys came! This is where life started really getting interesting!

While I was pregnant with my last son my husband and I got married. I don’t know what it was about that day. I kept feeling like I was supposed to be excited. Like my life was really about to change, but in all honesty nothing felt different at all. We had already been living together and we had a second kid on the way, plus we had already been together 2 years.  After that day everything began to become overwhelming and I didn’t realize until just a few years ago that I had completely forgotten who I was. In fact I started to become someone I never wanted to be.

If I am completely honest now, getting married was never ever in my plans. I don’t know, I just never saw myself as falling in love with anyone, wasn’t really sure that true, real love even existed. In fact when my husband first asked me to marry him I said no. I told him to wait another year to ask me with the hopes that he would change his mind about getting married. After all, all I knew about marriages is they didn’t work. The only people who were still married were my grandparents.

Then a year later, my grandpa came to me he liked my husband since the day he met him and he said that it was time to get married. I took it as my sign from God, that this was in fact the man that I was supposed to marry. So I said yes and in a matter of months we were getting married. Not too long after we married things began to change. My husband didn’t give me the attention that he did before we were married. In fact he told me that he didn’t have to try so hard now because he already married me. I think that was the turning point of me and who I was.

A few months in the marriage I came across a guy that had a huge crush on when I was little and he was single at the time. We started chatting and getting to know each other again and come to find out he had a crush on me too. When he told me that I believed it, but I can clearly remember him being a womanizer and pretty much just loved the attention from whoever would give it to him. Needless to say, we started an very inappropriate conversation and I was swept up in everything he was saying. It had gotten to the point where I would begin to think about him a lot. He would send me good morning messages, which to me showed that I was on his mind when he woke up. We would chat all day long and this started to put distance between my husband and I. My husband was so caught up in work that I didn’t even think that he noticed. Long story short my husband ended up seeing all the messages that we had been sending back and forth and he got upset.

At first I didn’t too much care because this guy was giving me time that my husband wasn’t, but then I saw how much it was hurting my husband and it took a while but my husband forgave me and I stopped talking to that guy. Then for a few months after that things would seem to go really well my husband started showing the attention that he once showed before, then out of the blue it stopped again, and once again I was searching for someone to make me feel wanted. So I joined a dating app and started talking to a new guy and once again the conversation became very inappropriate. Again I was caught and again we went down that same road of arguments and pattern, until my husband finally said that it couldn’t happen again and if it did he would leave.

At this point I told myself that no matter what happened, I needed to stop the nonsense and behave like  a married woman. For a while I did good. But I started feeling unappreciated again from my husband and kids. I started to feel like I had no worth and all the work that I was putting in to be better didn’t even matter because at the end of the day no one cared about me. About my feelings, wants or needs and I needed someone to care about me. I needed someone to make me feel like a person. Sad to say I met someone else he thought I was beautiful and made me feel as such.

I would preform my wifely duties and mother duties at home but in my spare time I would lie about where I was going. I started meeting up with the new guy, who just happened to be the brother of the first guy. He was closer to my age. He knew I had a husband and kids and he wasn’t looking for anything serious. We decided that we would be friends and see where things went from there. I felt so a live when him and I were together. I felt more like me when I was with him. We spent our time talking and laughing and he would hold me. Something I missed with my husband, the only time my husband would show affection was when he wanted something from me. But with this guy it wasn’t like that. He enjoyed spending time with me and I enjoyed his time as well. We watched movies together, smoked together, discovered new music together. We debated a lot, so our conversations were always high spirited.

He made me feel like if something had ever happened between my husband and I that there would still be hope in finding someone that would love me. Even with all my kids. Our relationship went on for months until he started demanding more of my time. Now it wasn’t that he was asking more of my time, it was that I took it that he wanted more of me in a relationship. I didn’t want to just assume, so I asked him and sure enough I was right, the only thing was he was willing to be the side guy only until she found someone that he was going to start a serious relationship with. If that happened, her said that he would be faithful to her and wouldn’t cheat on her with me. That rubbed  the wrong way. How could he have no problem with me cheating on my husband with him, but wouldn’t do the same if he found someone he wanted to make his girlfriend? That seemed like a double standard to me. That changed our relationship. That to me meant that he only wanted to play with my emotions.

I didn’t want to tell him how pissed I was, because I didn’t want to feel like I was catching feeling for him or anything, and I didn’t want him to think I was crazy and then use that as an excuse for him to stop talking to me. No way I was going to let this fuck boy end things ( break up) with me, so I lied and said my husband found out about him and for both of our safety we should call it off. I felt good about it for a few days. Then a few days later I started thinking about him again, I started missing him. So I emailed him everything that I was feeling. I laid it all out. A week went by and I never heard anything from him. So I gave in and texted him asking if he had gotten it. I forgot to delete the message and my husband went through my phone and found the text, then he went through my sent mail and found the email that I sent to him. Then he woke me up and my husband was in tears. He said it was over and for the first real time of all the many times we had been here in this situation, my heart broke. We fought something ugly I packed my bags and I thought this was really it.

My husband did something that changed me though, he took me by the hand and told me I wasn’t going anywhere and neither was he, that we were going to work this out. This is when it hit me, I remember asking God why hanging out with my friend felt so good if it was so wrong. This was the answer…I feel like everything that happened this time with my friend showed me that the grass wasn’t any better on the other side and that I needed to really take a minute and examine my life and my choices, so that’s what I’ve been doing.

I feel that since then I have come a hell of a long way, but you’ll have to wait until my next post to see what things I’ve had to discover about myself, and let me tell you, once I started down this road of who I am and who I want to me, it’s been one I’ll never forget.

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memories of my early years

I was born 56 years ago. In Rich lands VA.  But that day I was not alone .I also had a twin brother. My dad was a coal miner for 10 years. When he came home from work all we could see was the white of his eyes. He was a hard working man for us. He built the house we lived in on Boyd Ridge. My grand parents lived down the hill from us.

My mother stayed home took care of me and my brother. I barely remember walking down the dirt road we lived on with her and her sister. She was a good mother. I remember my dad telling me when I was a toddler that I got to close to the fire place and the snow suit I was wearing caught on fire my mother put it out with bare hands. god love her they said she burnt her hands bad.

I remember dad putting me and my brother on the back of old Charlie. He was a huge work horse they used in the fields he was a great horse.

My grand parents had a farm. Fresh milk, fresh eggs, Fresh veggies out of the garden. She even had 2 big cherry trees in the yard. A huge grape vine also. She made the best biscuits ever with gravy. She canned everything even sausage, pickled corn,beans,beats ,etc..

It snowed a lot there but we always stayed warm. We used wood heat best heat there is.  We would sled down the hill with card broad. That was fun.

I really enjoyed my time on the mountain even through it was short lived there. I still have memories from then and will never forget them.

Lost my grand dad when I was 10. Very sad day for me I loved him dearly.he died from black lung he got from the coal mines. Lost a few uncles from that too. Thank the good lord my dad got out of them in time.

Lost my grand ma to Leukemia,and old age to she lived a full life of 92. I miss her too very much. She was a good and strong woman with silver long hair. I took after her on that she was a beautiful woman.

 

 

 

 

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5 Things I’ve Learned About Life.
April 22, 2018
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Over the course of time, after series of disappointments, rejections, tests, frustrations and failures; I’d be the most hopeless human being if I hadn’t learned many lessons about life. These feelings and experiences I’ve had have given me a new and better perspective to life. Even though we humans hate to go through obstacles and difficulties, they help us to learn; and as we learn, we become more flexible, as we become more flexible, we expand, and as we expand, we grow.
Here are five lessons I’ve learned about life:
1. YOU HAVE TO REALLY DESIRE CHANGE:
Most people merely wish for a change. Change doesn’t come unless you desire it strongly enough, and desiring it strongly enough means willingness to step outside your comfort zone to pay the price. You simply can’t continue to do things the same way and expect a change.
2. UNKNOWN TO YOU, PEOPLE NOW LOOK AT YOU AND WONDER WHAT HAS HAPPENED: It’s often difficult for people to come to terms with the new you. Some may even judge you based on who you used to be, but you don’t have to waste time arguing for yourself. Let your actions speak for you.
3. THE POWER OF FOCUS:
In a world where distractions come lashing at us from every corner everyday, it becomes even more difficult to focus. Chances are, you already have a mental picture of the kind of person you want to become. You have your goals. When God created you, He put something inside of you that brings whatever you truly desire to you if you use it well. Remember the story of the Tower of Babel?!
4. LIFE REWARDS THE CONFIDENT:
When you’re confident, people can feel it. Things almost automatically sort themselves out. You’re playful and cheerful, yet not afraid to have your say. You have a set standard for yourself and you live by it.
5. FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS:
There is no one human being who is perfect. Granted, have done many awful things before. We all have! People have hurt you before. Forgive yourself first, then forgive them. This is the only way you can embrace the good things that lie in fro

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8 THINGS TO CARRY LIKE A CRATE OF EGGS.
Recipes using eggs
Friends, there are things we must carry and handle with extra-carefulness, because these things are fragile.
Once broken, it is not easy to put back together, and once some of these things get broken, they can lead to huge damage, and destiny wastage.
Let me mention 8 of those things you must carry/handle with carefulness, as if you are carrying a crate of eggs.
_*1. Your Name:*_
Your name is very important and fragile.
There are names that stinks in the ears of people, simply because those who bear those names spoilt the name.
The way to handle your name with carefulness,​ is to be careful of your doings.
Your actions can rubbish your name. A good name can open doors for you, & for your children and generations after you.
Carry your name with carefulness. It is a huge asset.
Read one of the quotes written by *_Shakespeare_*:
_’Who steals my purse steals trash; ’tis something, nothing;_
_’Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands;_
_But he that filches from me my good name,_
_Robs me of that which not enriches him,_
_And makes me poor indeed’._
_*2. Your Heart:*_
Many hearts are broken, shattered, wounded and bitter today.
One of the factors responsible for this is because many of these heart’s owners were careless with their hearts.
You can guard your heart from being broken and bitter.
Run away from people, and things that are bent on breaking your heart.
Carry your heart like a crate of eggs. You need a whole heart before you can be said to be fully whole!
_*3. Your Wife:*_
When you put too much pressure on your wife, you will break her.
Handle your wife with carefulness, and tenderness.
Let tenderness flow in your manliness. Don’t be wicked to your wife.
Carry her like a Queen. She is strong, powerful and wise, yet, she needs to be protected, cared for and handle like a crate of eggs. Treat her like that.
_*4. Your Purpose:*_
Your purpose is your destiny. If you don’t handle it with utmost carefulness, it can slip off your hands and gaze and get broken.
So many things can come like pressure on this crate of egg of purpose.
Discouragement, lack of fund, delayed breakthrough, etc.
These are things that may want to come like pressure on your purpose to break it. Don’t allow them! Carry it with care.
Carry your purpose away from people, and things that may want to put pressure on it and break it.
_*5. Your Health:*_
You have only this body as a vehicle that will carry you through your journey of destiny in this life.
Handle your health with carefulness. No matter how big your vision is, once you are dead, nobody can really run the vision like you!
Fight for your health. Avoid things that can destroy your health. Wealth is useless when your health becomes useless. Don’t kill yourself before your time.
Do your best to stay alive. We still need you here.
Don’t use your fork and your spoon to dig your grave.
Watch what you eat. Always pray for divine immunization against sickness, and diseases.
_*6. Your Marriage:*_
So many people handle their marriage like a carton of Indomie Noddles.
Let me remind you sir/ma. Your marriage is fragile. Handle it like a crate of egg. It must not break!
A broken marriage is not easily put back together, because, when a marriage breaks, many things get broken with it.
Husband and wife, please, carry your marriage like an egg. It must not break!
_*7. Your Words:*_
Your worth is attached to your words.
Be careful with words. Once broken, you can’t gather it up again.
Many people are careless with their words. They speak violently. They make empty promises and break it.
Some say things they later wish they never said. Guard your words. Be careful with it.
_*8. Your Eternity:*_
Those who are running up and down to fulfill destiny here on Earth without thinking of their eternity are not wise!
Friends, the matter of eternity is not something you should handle with levity.
Think about where you will spend eternity. You will die one day. I will also die one day.
All that we are and have in this world are vanity upon vanity.
Take the matter of your end very serious.
Stop living carelessly as if you have extra life.
Think about eternity. Don’t live for the pleasure of this present.
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Generosity an Important Virtue of Life
November 28, 2017
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Womankind sadly receives inhumane treatment

Generosity

It’s a universal law – we have to give before we receive. We must plant the seeds before we reap the harvest. The more we sow, the more we reap. And in giving to others, we find ourselves blessed. The law works to give us back more than we have sown. The giver’s harvest is always full. There would be no advantage to be gained by sowing a field of wheat if the harvest did not return more than was sown. The best thing about giving of ourselves is that what we get is always better than what we give. The reaction is greater than the action. The man who will use his skill and constructive

imagination to see how much he can give for a dollar, instead of how little he can give for a dollar, is bound to succeed. Life sometimes gives you a second chance. You shouldn’t go through life with a catcher smit on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Goals The purpose of goals is to focus our attention. The mind will not reach toward achievement until it has clear objectives. The magic begins when we set goals. It is then that the switch is turned on, the current

begins to flow, and the power to accomplish becomes a reality. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. There is one quality which one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it. Until input (thought) is linked to a goal (purpose) there can be no intelligent accomplishment. This one step – choosing a goal and sticking to it – changes everything. If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there. The world has the habit of making room for the man whose words and actions show that he knows where he is going. What an immense power over the life is the power of possessing distinct aims. The voice, the dress, the look, the very motions of a person, define and alter when he or she begins to live for a reason.

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Independence and Satisfaction as Essential Life Tools
November 28, 2017
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Reasons Loneliness will cause Alzheimer's DiseaseFeeling lonely, needed someone to talk to – by pixabay

Independence

Freedom is the courage to sacrifice for what we want. And everything we want has a price. There’s a price for every freedom, something to be given up for every liberty. It’s up to us to weigh the price we must pay for each of our freedoms. Whatever the price, identify it now. What will you have to go through to get where you want to be? There is a price you can pay to be free of the situation once and for all. It may be a fantastic price or a tiny one – but there is a price. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences. Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners

of their own minds.

Satisfaction

Riches lie within us, not in material possessions. Our real riches are riches of the head and heart.

Satisfaction comes from appreciating what we have. Wealth without enjoyment is little consolation.

Our real prosperity lies in being thankful. There are two ways of being happy; we must either

diminish our wants or augment our means. People want riches; they need fulfilment. It is not the man who has little, but the man who craves more, that is poor. Getting anything changes it from being desirable to just being taken for granted. Money is a good servant, but a poor master.

Don’t forget until too late that the business of life is not business, but living. There is a serious defect in the thinking of someone who wants – more than anything else – to become rich. As long as they don’t have the money, it’ll seem like a worthwhile goal. Once they do, they’ll understand how important other things are – and have always been. Money cannot buy peace of mind. It cannot heal

ruptured relationships, or build meaning into a life that has none. The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

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Conquering Your Fears and Gaining Trust
November 28, 2017
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child-1235104_960_720the little girl inside me

Trust

Trust is based upon something – the evidence of things not seen. To have faith, we must have evidence. Trust is not blind. We can know the invisible by seeing the visible. We can see the trees bend and know there is wind. We can see the moon reflect light and know the sun is

shinning. We can see man, and know there is something beyond. The supernatural is the natural not yet understood. Who has seen the wind? It is only with the heart that one can see correctly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. The thing that is incredible is life itself …. Why should we be here in this sun-illuminated universe? Why should there be green earth under our feet? Seeing, hearing, feeling, are miracles, and each part and tag of me is a miracle. The miracles of nature do not seem miracles because they are so common. If no one had ever seen a flower, even a dandelion would be the most startling event in the world. I know this world is ruled by infinite intelligence ….

Everything that surrounds us – everything that exists – proves that there are infinite laws behind it. There can be no denying this fact. It is mathematical in its precision. I think therefore I am. (I have a soul).

Conquering Fear

Fear is conquered by action. When we challenge our fears, we defeat them. When we grapple with our difficulties, they lose their hold upon us. When we dare to face the things which scare us, we open the door to freedom. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it …. that is the quickest and surest way ever yet discovered to conquer fear. To fight fear, act. To increase fear – wait, put off, postpone, procrastinate. Whenever we’re afraid, its because we don’t know enough. If we understood enough, we would never be afraid. You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with

yourself. People are afraid because they have never owned up to themselves. Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

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GoingBy What is and Not What Seems To Be
November 28, 2017
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requirements; to develop resources; to recognize no impediments; to master circumstances; to act from reason rather than rule; to be satisfied with nothing short of perfection. Put the uncommon effort into the common task …. make it large by doing it in a great way. You can start right where you stand and apply the habit of going the extra mile by rendering more service and better service than you are now being paid for …. I start where the last man left off. The man who comes up with a means for doing or producing almost anything better, faster or more economically has his future and his fortune at his fingertips. There’s a way to do it better …. find it. It is just the little difference between the good and the best that makes the difference between the artist and the artisan. It is just the little touches after the average man would quit that make the master’s fame.

 

Belief

Be careful what you wish for you just might obtain it. To feel in our innermost being that we will achieve what we set out to do – this opens the way for miracles. Expecting something to happen energizes our goal and gives it momentum. We often find that life responds to our outlook. What we expect to happen, happens. The dreams we choose to believe in come to be. Life …. It tends to respond to our outlook, to shape itself to meet our expectations. For, he that expects nothing shall not be disappointed, but he that expects much – if he lives and uses that in hand day by day – shall be full to running over. Think and feel yourself there! To achieve any aim in life, you need to project the end-result …. Think of the elation, the satisfaction, the joy! Carrying the ecstatic feeling will bring the desired goal into view. In order to win, you must expect to win.

Accepting Risk

Successful people are not afraid to fail. They accept the risk and continue on, knowing that failure is a natural consequence of trying. They go from failure to failure, until at last success is theirs.

Accepting risk is one of the most powerful of all rules for success: we fail only when we can’t accept failure. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. The wise man realistically accepts failure as a part of life and builds a philosophy to meet them and make the most of them. He lives on the principle of nothing attempted, nothing gained and is resolved that if he fails he is going to fail while trying to succeed. To fail is a natural consequence of trying. To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying again. Failure is success if we learn from it. Not many people are willing to give failure a second opportunity. They fail once and it’s all over. The bitter pill of failure …. is often more than most people can handle …. If you’re willing to accept failure and learn from it,

if you’re willing to consider failure as a blessing in disguise and bounce back, you’ve got the potential of harnessing one of the most powerful success forces. When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal.

Failure is only the opportunity to more intelligently begin again. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ….

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The Environment Should Be Taken Into Considerations
November 28, 2017
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brandA business will thrive in a healthy environment. – Featured Image Credit: Pixabay.com

Environment

We become like our environment, and our environment becomes like us. Everything around us moulds and shapes us. So it is important to choose our environment with care: one that is positive, one that lifts us up and gives us wings to soar. Every experience in life, everything with which we

have come in contact in life, is a chisel which has been cutting away at our life statue, moulding, modifying, shaping it. We are part of all we have met. Everything we have seen, heard, felt or thought has had its hand in moulding us, shaping us. You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective. Analyse your life in terms of its environment. Are the things around you helping you toward success- or are they holding you back? Your outlook upon life, your estimate of yourself, your estimate of your value are largely coloured by your environment. Your whole career will be modified, shaped, moulded by your surroundings, by the character of the people with whom you come in contact every day … We begin to see, therefore, the importance of selecting our environment with the greatest of care, because

environment is the mental feeding ground out of which the food that goes into our minds is extracted. A strong, successful man is not the victim of his environment. He creates favourable conditions. His own inherent force and energy compel things to turn out as he desires. When I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Perfection Going far beyond the call of duty, doing more than others expect- this is what excellence is all about. And it comes from striving, maintaining the highest standards, looking after the smallest detail, and going the extra mile. Excellence means caring – it means making a special effort to do more. To do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way; to do somethings better than they were ever done before; to eliminate errors; to know both sides of the question; to be courteous; to be an example; to work for the love of work; to anticipate

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