laugh out your sorrow (educational jokes)

C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping

M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans

S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life

S.C.H.O.O.L. = Sucks Children’s Happiness Out

Of Life

Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got

together?

OMg!

Teacher: If a chicken give you meat, a pig give

you bacon, what does a fat cow give you?

Student: HOMEWORK!

Teacher: “Why are you talking during my

lesson?”

Student: “Why are you teaching during my

conversation?”

Teacher: “Simon, can you say your name

backwards?”

Simon: “No Mis.”

Mom: What did you learn in school?

Son: Not enough I have to go back again

tomorrow.

Teacher: How can we keep the school clean?

Student: By staying at home.

Teacher: What is irony?

Student: “Irony is when something has the

chemical symbol Fe.”

Boy: At my school they won’t let us have holes in

our pants.

Cheap Dad: “Yeah, but they let you have holes in

your head.”

(1) Say “Eye”

(2) Spell the word “Map”

(3) Say “Ness”.

SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4.

HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8.

EXAM: Matthew has 4 apples, his train is 7

minutes early, calculate the sun’s mass.

Catholic School

A father who is very much concerned about his

son’s bad grades in math decides to register him

at a catholic school. After his first term there, the

son brings home his report card: He’s getting

“A”s in math.

The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to

know: “Why are your math grades suddenly so

good?”

“You know”, the son explains, “when I walked

into the classroom the first day, and I saw that

guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one

thing: This place means business!”

Library

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and

was lost. He stopped a student and asked, “Do

you know where the library is at?”

“I sure do,” replied the student, “But, you know,

you’re not supposed to end sentences with

prepositions.”

“What?”

“Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an

‘at’, which you aren’t supposed to do.”

“Oh, ok,” said the Texan, “Do you know where

the library is at, asshole?”

Grammar walks into a Bar

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit.

They Drink. They Leave

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink

and then leaves.

A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After

finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

A Question mark walks into a bar?

Two Quotation marks “walk into” a bar.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar,

drinking a drink.

The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

The past, the present, and the future walked into

a bar. It was tense.

A synoynm ambles into a pub.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar,

drinking to drink.

A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and

destroyed everything.

A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus

collapsed to the bar floor.

A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.

Human Body

The teacher asks, “Flora, what part of the human

body increases ten times when excited?”

Flora blushes and says, “That’s disgusting, I

won’t even answer that question.”

The teacher calls on Johnny: “What part of the

human body increases ten times when excited?”

“That’s easy,” says Johnny. “It’s the pupil of the

eye.”

“Very good, Johnny,” responds the teacher.

“That’s correct.”

She then turns to Flora and says, “First, you

didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a

dirty mind. And third, you’re in for a BIG

disappointment.”

Applying For A Job

There are three people applying for the same

job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician,

and one an accountant.

The interviewing committee first calls in the

mathematician. They say “we have only one

question. What is 500 plus 500?” The

mathematician, without hesitation, says “1000.”

The committee sends him out and calls in the

statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the

same question. The statistician ponders the

question for a moment, and then answers

“1000… I’m 95% confident.” He is then also

thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is

asked the same question: “what is 500 plus

500?” The accountant replies, “what would you

like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

George W Bush

George W. Bush visits Algeria.

As part of his program, he delivers a speech to

the Algerian people: “You know, I regret that I

have to give this speech in English. I would very

much prefer to talk to you in your own language.

But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…”

Bathroom

Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet

Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz

Teacher: Where’s the p?

Boy: “Half way down my leg.”

Little Boy

Son: “My math teacher is crazy”.

Mother: “Why?”

Son: “Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1;

today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.”

Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer

scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a

girlfriend.

The physicist: “A girlfriend. You still have

freedom to experiment.”

The mathematician: “A wife. You have security.”

The computer scientist: “Both. When I’m not with

my wife, she thinks I’m with my girlfriend. With

my girlfriend it’s vice versa. And I can be with

my computer without anyone disturbing me…”

Girlfriend

“What happened to your girlfriend, that really

cute math student?”

“She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her

cheating on me.”

“I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”

“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the

phone, and she told me that she was in bed

wrestling with three unknowns…”

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are

going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want

to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her

at a party?”

“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

Prostitute

Teacher: Describe hydrogen

Student: It is a prostitute element

Teacher: Who taught you that?

Student: You said it does not belong to a

particular group and it reacts with almost all the

elements in the periodic table.

Water

Teacher: What is the formula for water?

Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O

Teacher: That’s not what I taught you.

Student: But you said the formula for water

was…H to O.

Cat

Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school?

Kid says (crying), “I heard daddy tell mommy,

I’m eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!”

Bad Student

One day I went into school all puzzled and said

to my teacher “Miss will i get into trouble for

something i havent done ?”

She said “No why”

I said ” Because I havent done my homework.

Lab

At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade

chemistry teacher asked her students what was

the most important thing that they learned in lab.

A student promptly raised his hand and said,

“Never lick the spoon.”

School Paper

John wrote an article in the school paper about

how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed

over 100,000 people world wide, usually through

inhalation.

The story also went on that even if you wash

your food you can never get this chemical off.

No matter what you do you will be exposed to

this very dangerous chemical every day of your

life until you die.

The story finished by claiming that there needs to

be a government research group founded to find

a solution. yada yada yada

Anyway, the local newspaper reporter read this

story in his daughters school paper and decided

to do a follow up.

If you haven’t figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is

the correct name for H2O or water.

The deaths that he was quoting were from

drownings.

Anyhow, this reporter ran the article in a paper

and started a local push for a government study

before they realized what the story was about.

Late To School

A student comes late to school.

His teacher asked him “Why were you late to

school?”

Student: “My mom and dad were fighting.”

Teacher: “What does your parents fighting have

to do with you being late for school?”

Student: “One of my shoes was in my mom’s

hand and the other one was in dad’s hand…..

Do You Know Who I am?

Boy: Your stupid!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No.

Girl: I’m the principals daughter.

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No.

Boy: Good. (walks away)