Hearing A Child Is Good 3

Right at the beginning of this chapter I wish to make a statement that at first glance

might sound heretical. However, I believe that EVERYONE EXERCISES SELF

DISCIPLINE. Even that person you know who’s never on time and always

procrastinates on even the smallest of decisions exercises self discipline. To say it still

another way, I believe that everyone disciplines them self.

As alluded to earlier, when our parents cease parenting us, we continue to parent

ourselves. That internal parent disciplines the child. However, some people just use

better discipline methods and consequently achieve better results.

The chart below shows several approaches to discipline that every parent has at their

disposal when seeking to discipline their children.

METHODS OF DISCIPLINE

1. Communication
2. When To Use
3. In all cases
4. Before any other methods are tried.
5. Lesson The Child Learns

“By talking, I see the advantages and disadvantages of my planned action.

Therefore, I will willingly do the proper thing. My parents respect me and I think

they have good ideas.”

1. Reinforcement
2. When To Use — Anytime you want to strengthen a desirable behavior.
3. Lesson The Child Learns

“When I do the desirable thing, I get rewarded for it. Therefore, I will do it again.”

III. Extinction

1. When To Use — Anytime you want to weaken undesirable behaviour
2. Lesson The Child Learns
3. “When I behave undesirably, I do not get any reward. Therefore, there is no
4. sense in doing that again.”
5. Natural Consequences
6. When To Use
7. When you want to weaken undesirable behavior.
8. When communication and extinction have not worked.
9. Lesson The Child Learns
10. “When I do some things, I get hurt. Nobody else has anything to do with it. I just
11. bring on a bad experience. Therefore, I will not do that again.”
12. Logical Consequences
13. When To Use
14. When you want to weaken undesirable behavior.
15. When communication and extinction have not worked.
16. When no natural consequences exists.
17. When natural consequences would cause severe or lasting hurt to the
19. Lesson The Child Learns
20. “The world has many people. When I do something that is wrong, they may
21. impose some undesirable consequences. Therefore, I will do my part in order
22. to avoid the negative consequences.”
23. Physical Spanking
24. When To Use — When all other methods have failed.
25. Lesson The Child Learns

“My parents are my authority. They have the experience to know what is right

and to enforce their guidelines by inflicting physical pain. Though I do not like it

at the time, I am learning it is for my good and they do it because they love me.”

VIII. Imitation

1. When To Use — This method is in continuous operation.
2. Lesson The Child Learns — “My parents are strong and grown-up. Since

they act that way, so do I.”

There is no question that all of the above techniques are not equally effective in

achieving the desired results. Our question is which ones work the best and how can

we then incorporate them into our internal motivations. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Within each of the next few paragraphs, I give you some questions about each

discipline technique that will help make that transition to your inner child.

COMMUNICATION reminds us about the power of communication. Just as the

ineffective parent always responds to an older child’s question of “Why?” with “Because

I said so!” the internal parent can carry that same ineffective communication into the

internal relationship. If you want the inner child to begin doing something, be sure to

communicate the “why” behind your desire. Some reasons are better than others, so

don’t be afraid to let the child respond with his or her questions. Positive

communication from the internal parent always shows respect for the child and helps to

alleviate the rebellion of the inner child.

The inner child can easily rebel when treated with disrespect by the internal parent.

When the internal parent merely draws a line on the ground and commands that the

child not cross it, the first thing the inner child will want to do is to cross the line.

Communicating good reasons along with the parent’s desire will help prevent that

internal rebellion from sabotaging self discipline.

As part of the bigger picture, the following diagram explains alot! When a child is first

born, the emotions are high and the logic is low. A baby cries and cries but reasons

very little. The goal of the parent is to bring the emotion down so that the logic can

come up.

A parent’s attempts at unconditional love, acceptance and commitment brings that

security. However, in the early years of a child’s life, touch is the only way to

communicate that positive energy. Merely talking to the child in those early years just

won’t do it. When a child is raised in a touch deprived environment, an internal anxiety

develops.

In a healthy parent-child relationship, while love is bringing the emotions down,

discipline is bringing the logic up. Reasonable and consistent discipline literally teaches

a child how to make decisions.

When love and acceptance is missing from the mix, the emotions aren’t brought down

but rather carry the child out into adulthood with an almost undefinable sense of

insecurity. As long as that condition exists, the ability to logically deal with the internal

child in a reasonable and consistent manner is very difficult. That’s why understanding

the inner child and adjusting parental expectations to fit that child is foundational to

coming to building towards this stage in the book.