Most pointless movies on Netflix.

Netflix really is a wonderful thing. Before it landed on our screens, the idea of having basically every movie and television show known to mankind available at our fingertips — and for only a small monthly subscription — was practically unheard of. Now, with its library ever-increasing and the company pursuing a whole line of original series’ and productions, it seems hard for any of
its 118 million users to even remember a time before Netflix.
Just because the service is good, however, doesn’t mean what’s on it must be, too. Open Netflix now and you might find a heavyweight blockbuster like Captain America: Civil War or a classic flick like The Godfather or a gripping series like Mad Men staring back at you. What you might not see are — well, let’s just call them the dregs. They’re the worst, weirdest, and most offensively bland movies to ever scrape an existence out of Netflix’s popularity. Why they’re there at all is, frankly, totally beyond us.
When We First Met
Netflix’s original movies haven’t always been exactly what you’d call huge critical successes, and When We First Met is no exception. Starring Adam DeVine (the guy you know from roughly three or four episodes of that inoffensive sitcom you probably tolerate, and also
Pitch Perfect) and Alexandra Daddario (the girl you know from roughly three or four utterly woeful movies you definitely did not tolerate), it tells the story of a young man who utilizes time travel to break up a woman and her fiancée and get her for himself.
Aside from perpetuating the infinitely irritating and outdated notion of the “friend zone” for all too much of its runtime, the movie itself has been described by
Common Sense Media as “by the numbers,” “predictable,” and “short on originality,” before conceding it should be passable for young adult audiences. But then again, so is Doctor Who, and that’s got time travel and aliens. Checkmate.
Rodentz
Rodentz, otherwise known as Altered Species , is a 2001 shlock horror flick about giant rats who are infected with a failed cancer cure and subsequently become rabid and evil and really, really big. It was written by Serge Rodnunsky, a physicist and ballet choreographer who perhaps ought to have stuck to physics or ballet.
Rodentz offers up 85 minutes or so of “generic tedium” which, according to Something Awful, has rats so utterly lame and un-scary that they’re actually likely to cure you of your fear of rats.
Now, movies like Rodentz might pander to an audience — the same people that made Troll 2 a cult classic and managed to make it all the way through Battlefield Earth — but Rodentz isn’t really worth watching, even for them. After all, with such a rich menagerie of woeful, animal-based cheesy horror movies out there ( Piranha 3D , Jaws: The Revenge, Alligator), why take the time to watch one that doesn’t even embrace its own silliness until the final five minutes? Skip it.
A Talking Cat!?!
There’s a lot to dissect with this one, so let’s start with the bottom line. It’s about a talking cat. It’s called A Talking Cat!?! . It’s got Eric Roberts in it — as the cat. This was never going to be a good movie. It would have done well to manage to not be a travesty to cinema. But it did not do well. From the opening monologue, in which the cat listlessly muses on such topics as nature and smartphones as he wanders through the woods, to the not-very-heartbreaking finale, A Talking Cat!?! offers itself up as nothing less than a masterpiece of poor filmmaking.
Let’s be honest here. A Talking Cat!?! is probably worth your time. It’s truly hilarious in its badness and, while you probably won’t make it to the 85th minute (who has time for that?) it will probably give you a good chortle for, say, 15 minutes. But only if you’re properly bored.
Johnny Mnemonic
Johnny Mnemonic is a short story written by William Gibson, a legendary sci-fi author (who’s credited for the invention of the word “cyberspace”), about a data trafficker who ends up with some sensitive data placed inside his head. Our hero is then forced into a life on the run and pursued by the Yakuza. It’s really good.
Johnny Mnemonic is also a movie starring Keanu Reeves, about pretty much the same thing. Sadly, as
critics have pointed out , it’s simply not a story that translates very well to the screen. What results is not a terrible film, but a pretty dull one. The best thing about the movie, however — the cybernetic dolphin — also exists in the story, and additionally, the written version happens to be addicted to heroin. So which of these stories is really worth your time? Exactly. If you want Keanu Reeves in cyberspace, you’re best just sticking to
The Matrix.
Love, Wedding, Marriage
Love, Wedding, Marriage is a movie so incredibly dull in its premise that it’s hard to remember it after reading about it. (You wouldn’t be watching it.) It’s got Mandy Moore in it, as well as James Brolin and Christopher Lloyd, and, uh, there’s a wedding at some point, and someone stages a suicide. It’s a comedy, probably. The New York Times suggested it be played on a loop for film critics when they go to hell. Even that, though, suggests this travesty might find a purpose. It won’t.
Filled to the brim with cliches and featuring some of Hollywood’s least memorable non-characters, Love, Wedding, Marriage might just be one of film history’s least interesting movies. It’s not bad enough to be fun and not good enough to be, well, good. Some perspective: In the time it’s taken you to read about this movie’s existence, you probably could have made a cup of coffee or emptied the dishwasher. You’re welcome.
Charlie St. Cloud
No, Charlie St. Cloud isn’t the name of that insufferable posh kid you went to school with — it’s actually a nothing-y 2010 drama movie starring Zac Efron. It’s the story of Charlie St. Cloud (yeah, so it actually is his name), a high school graduate who, after the tragic death of his brother, embarks on a confusing, saccharine journey of reconciliation with his dead bro’s ghost by playing baseball with him every day at sunset. The execution is about as good as the concept.
The Hollywood Reporter points out that Charlie St. Cloud is a movie that gets sillier as it goes on. Conversely, it does not get any less boring as it goes on. On top of all of this, there’s the fact that Charlie St. Cloud is also adapted from a best-selling novel, so if you really must experience the story of a guy playing catch with a ghost, well, you might as well go for the book.
Bright
Another flop for Netflix’s in-house production company, here. From Suicide Squad’s David Ayer and Max Landis, who really can do better than this, Bright is about an LAPD officer who inhabits an urban fantastical world where humans and mythical creatures live together. Smith’s character teams up with the LAPD’s first orc policeman, who is himself trying to cope with the racial hatred humans hold toward his kind. Frankly, it’s a brilliant concept, and the very notion of a D&D/ The Wire mash-up is arguably too good to pass up.
Well … pass it up. Aside from attracting criticism for actually being a little bit racist (kind of defeats the point of the whole thing, doesn’t it?), the finished product also happens to be dull to the extreme and muddled by incoherent writing. Still, Netflix was happy with it , even suggesting a sequel could be on the cards. So at least someone liked it.
Sandy Wexler
When writing about pointless movies, there’s a real danger of just listing off Adam Sandler movies , so hopefully it speaks for itself that Sandy Wexler was the only one that made the cut here. This 2017 “comedy” “movie” is the story of a talent manager who, during the ’90s, discovers a singer and musician (played by Jennifer Hudson) and attempts to get her to the big time. The Rotten Tomatoes score (29 percent) speaks for itself.
The New Yorker described Sandy Wexler as “plodding, obvious and oblivious,” lamenting its awkward comedic side-plots and unfortunate handling of non-white characters. But what makes this different from every other Sandler-helmed crime against humanity is that it doesn’t even have the irreverent silliness and low-brow humor that brings in his usual audiences. It’s sentimental, quiet and — relative to the rest of Sandler’s filmography — pretty low-key. But it’s no good, either. Truly, this is a movie made for nobody.
Hisss
Aside from being a spelling nightmare, Hisss is an entry into that genre of animal-based horror movies that we mentioned earlier — and no, it’s not a necessary one, by any stretch of the imagination. The plot is as nonsensical as you’d expect: An evil American with brain cancer tries to gain the spirit of a shape-shifting snake (played by Bollywood actress Mallika Sherawat). This “nagin” goes on to liberate abused women by murdering the men who are torturing them. There’s some carnal relations and some killing but apart from that, not much of it makes any sense.
If you want intense Bollywood, watch Ugly . If you want horror, watch Alien. If you want snakes, just watch
Snakes on a Plane or Planet Earth or something. What you don’t need to watch is a feeble attempt at titillation strung together by hammy acting and horrific writing. Even the Bollywood critics panned it . Avoid.
Step Sisters
Step Sisters is one of those movies where you can’t help but wonder if they came up with the title first and just kind of worked from there. It’s a dance movie, you see, about a black college student who agrees to teach Greek stepping to a group of debauched white sorority students. Get it? Step Sisters? Because they’re sorority sisters. And they’re stepping.
Anyway, Netflix got the distribution rights and released it in January 2018. Now, let’s take a look at some of the other dance movies that, at time of writing, are also on the streaming service. Magic Mike ! And … that’s it for the classics. But your library probably has several copies of Saturday Night Fever or Footloose or Dirty Dancing. So unless you’re actually into Greek stepping (in which case, go for it), there’s not really a lot that
Step Sisters can offer you. Apart from the pun, of course. But we’ve already spoiled that for you.
Hot Bot
Okay. According to IMDb , which is about as far as anyone should delve into this, Hot Bot is the “hilarious journey of two sexually repressed and unpopular teenage geeks who accidentally discover a life-like super-model sex bot.” It stars Zack Pearlman (who has previous form with movies like this), features a character called Candy Huffington, and that’s basically as much as anyone needs to know.
Here’s a little indicator as to just how well-loved Hot Bot is in the world of cinema: Google it, and you’ll get Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb, the trailer, then a Wikipedia page for a completely unrelated product, and this review for the movie some guy did on Letterboxd. Infinity War it ain’t.
And no, in case you were wondering, the Letterboxd guy didn’t like it. “I’m kind of ashamed I watched this movie,” he (presumably) weeps. “It was horrible.” God bless him for warning the rest of us.
Alien Abduction
If given one wish, what would a movie nut ask for? Perhaps the complete extinction of the found-footage genre. Sure, there’d be some catch — like maybe all the footage from the world’s camcorders is erased, too, but you know what? It would be completely worth it. This genre has produced exactly two (2) good movies. But
Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project are pushing past one and two decades, respectively, and their sequels haven’t shown any real promise. It’s over, guys.
Not that you’d know it, because Alien Abduction is, of course, yet another found-footage horror movie. It is about — you guessed it — an alien abduction. It offers,
according to The Hollywood Reporter, “a few decent scares without managing to come up with anything remotely original.” Ultimately, this is a by-the-numbers entry into an utterly by-the-numbers genre. There is no conceivable reason for you to watch it. Pass that magic wish, please.
Naked
At last, we plod to the finish line — and what an ending this is. Naked tells the tale of a substitute teacher who wakes up naked in a hotel elevator on his wedding day. After an hour, he wakes up again in the elevator and soon realizes that, yes, he is trapped in a time loop. Over the course of the movie, if one must call it that, he attempts to find various ways of making it to the church on time, presumably (and this is just a stab in the dark) learning something about himself along the way.
So yeah, Naked is on Netflix. That doesn’t mean you should watch it when you could watch Groundhog Day instead. You know what Groundhog Day has? Bill Murray. Sonny & Cher. Emotion. Acting. Naked , conversely, is a mess which, in the words of The Daily Dot, also happens to be ” completely forgettable .”