Is it always going to be like this.

I find myself unable to think or cosintrait on anything. I mean dam i use drink allay and not have a care in the world . Getting drunk or high was my job and it was a 24 hour 7 days a week job ,with no days off. But i can say i got breaks for holidays like, get your shit together day, or you going to jail. then it was lets take a break in the county for a couple months for doing some shit i wasn’t suppose to be doing. “Oh” yeah i can remember them days well. I was a drunk and addict for 27 years, on and off meaning prision or rehabs, or the crazy house. Dam so much waisted time . All my youth dam all my youth. Now Im 42 and got to start from scratch what do i know people say I’m smart i can’t tell were is the American dream for me. I had jobs some good some not so good. But nothing that can get me were i want to go . Should i let my past hold me back from achieven greatness, some say i have to wait for life to balance it self out from the good the bad and the ugly. Im crying inside and nobody know it but me. Why me lord why me? Cant you choose some one else to pick on is how i feel at times. why dose life feel so unfair to me i mean dam it seems that why . A”gain i ask  why me ? Am i not strong enough or did i do to much wrong , that my prision is me my pain the way i feel. Will today be the day things change for me , will it be tomorrow? Am i the only one that feels alone in this world by myself, watching my life pasting by. To wake up hurts its pain to know today going to be just like yesterday and the day after that must i go on you get the pic. I love to write i can be somebody else instead of me. I feel worthless a nobody a nothing what do i have to offer but another bill a mother mouth to feed. My anguish is real this is not a drill its the real thing. But i know now that the saying life is what u make it is a dam lie.