“I can’t go to hell, Satan still has that restraining order against me.”
That’s a common joke that floats around Facebook and Pintrest. I laugh at it but then a pang of realization goes through me – I’ve already been to hell and back. I was born into a severely dysfunctional household. My dad was an alcoholic with a horrible temper and my mom had severe anxiety and no outlet for her anger and frustrations in life – except as it turned out, to take them out on me. My dad worked long hours and by age 3 my mom was spending six to eight hours a day screaming nonstop at me and sometimes dragging me through the house while hitting me. Her rages were uncontrollable. Something as simple as a toy left on the floor or me looking at her the wrong way would send her flying into hours of screaming.
Her sheer hatred of me only got worse as I got older and began to talk back and defy her more. She wanted me to be perfect, a living doll who almost never said a word but constantly smiled. She had me so terrified of talking to people outside our household that I was mute at school for the first three years. I think she had a hidden fear that I may say something to someone about the hours of verbal and emotional abuse I experienced at home each day. By age eight I screamed back, and she would threaten me that the neighbors would hear and call the police on me.
I remember one night in particular. We’d been learning at school about community helpers and how we could call the police for help. As she screamed at me, I grabbed the phone and threatened to call the police on her. She dared me to and told me how they would take me away to jail. In the end, I was too afraid to dial 911. She took the phone and beat me with it. As I grew older, the physical abuse lessened but the verbal abuse only grew more cruel. I became severely depressed and suicidal.
It was only when I was in my 20’s that her verbal abuse stopped and her emotional abuse was finally toned down – after she nearly died due to an illness. The abuse has left lasting scars on me which I still struggle with today.
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How sad your life is. Sometimes it is really hard to see the reason behind things. We have different life. I was blessed with a loving mother that even in my younger years she teach me one thing that is to have faith. A faith in God. Though there are many trials in my life when she passed away she encourage me to fight and never give up. You need to accept wholeheartedly that maybe theres a reason why things happenned. All you have to is give to God all the emotional burden in your heart and let him heal you from the pain which tormented you in your early years. You have to let go all the grudge feeling you have to your parents. I know its not easy to forget and not even easy to forgive. But you should accept that it did happenned and it did hurt. Only into forgiving you will find peace and unity in your life in order for you to live without looking back at the past but moving on with a brighter tomorrow.