The break up with your beloved is the end of the world or the new beginning?

The break up is a necessary and inevitable part of the relationship, because all relationship, like life itself, has a beginning and an end. Unfortunately, this philosophical thought will not save from the pain those who have to survive the break up. However, knowing more about this process is getting easier to endure.

Why does it hurt? It does not matter whether the relationship lasted for three weeks, or three years. Breaking up the relationship, you feel pain because of the loss not only of what was, but also what was not, but maybe someday it would have been … You lose the hopes and dreams, illusions and fantasies. The more we expected from the relationship, the more difficult is break up.

Failing of the relationship may seem that the whole world is dying. All “we” all “our” lapses. The relationship can be frustrating and distressing, but until it is, we feel more complete. The “we” may seem very important, indispensable and irreplaceable. Then become irrelevant, that the “I” feel crushed, forgotten, and perhaps quite invisible.

Psychoanalysts difficulties of the break up link with early childhood traumas. Because of insecure affection and a lack of a warm, loving relationship a child can learn to be afraid of loneliness, to absorb an abandonment and helplessness, not feel able to accept the challenges of life.

A break up often becomes a huge pressure on self-esteem. There may be feelings of guilt and shame, infested by thoughts that you are bad, unable to communicate, to maintain relations. These thoughts can be especially strong if before break up you already had doubts about your value, did not trust yourself. The situation may be complicated if to the break up, relationships and life itself you are looking not as to process, but as a result, and in a hurry you call yourself a loser.

Insensitive surrounding comments or questions can also awaken a sense of guilt or pity of yourself. You can reduce vulnerability by strengthening self-esteem, engaging in something to do, spending time with those who understand and support you.

However, do not rush to the other extreme – do not close yourself in the role of innocently disadvantaged victims. The desire to take revenge, anger and accusations, attempt again and again talk to the partner, would also be not productive strategy, binding for to the past and preventing to go further.  Thank for the beautiful moments and try to forgive yourself and your partner for everything that was not good.

To help yourself, look at the situation more wide, look deeper to the what you have learned, what was worth doing otherwise. Pay attention to what you have received and what you have given, what would you do differently.

Emotional wounds can not be healed if the failed relationship can not be completely broken up, and couple is still dating or otherwise communicate. The conflict in this case allows you to maintain relationships. Meetings allow you to maintain the illusion that the relationship can continue, that they have a future.

The pain of break up often is compared with the loss and mourning experience. At first comes a shock. Then there are an attempts to deny it. Later, there is anger, attempts to negotiate and prevent the break up, finally comes depression.

We can say that sadness and grief we feel is the price of the closeness. These feelings show that we had something very valuable. Overcoming sadness, comes acceptance and reconciliation.

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