The 7 Spiritual Laws of Divorce The case for divorce as the ultimate spiritual growth tool.

When all your desires are distilled; You will cast just two votes: To love more, And be happy. — Rumi
Two and a half years ago, a day before my 38th birthday, my then wife and I decided to end things. We were just ten days shy of our first anniversary.
I wrote about the three-year period of spiritual growth that would follow in my first post, Lost on Purpose. What I didn’t realize in writing that post was how important of a role the divorce has had in my growth. The lessons I’ve learned likely could have been learned in other ways. I see now how deeply profound they have become for me because I have learned them this way.
If you had asked me before I met my ex-wife if I thought I’d get divorced, I would have been nearly 100% sure the answer was no. I am fiercely loyal (a Leo), almost never break my word, am a great judge of character and spent nearly 35 years of my life searching for “the one”. My parents have been married for forty-five years and I come from a very loving family. Divorce simply didn’t appear as an option for me.
As I now look back, my divorce is one of the things I am most grateful for. This is not because I got out of a bad situation. My ex and I are still great friends and we have deep respect for each other. Rather, I needed to fail to learn all that I get to do right in the future. As a tech entrepreneur, failing is often a badge of honor. Founders who have failed are often more likely to succeed in the future because of all they have learned.
Sure, there are other ways to learn. But, there simply are some lessons that are hard to learn without coming right up against a deep commitment. As a startup founder, you simply can’t learn what it means to take and lose someone’s money until you do. You can’t know what it feels like to tell your employees it’s over. You can’t imagine what it feels like to give up a dream you’ve worked tirelessly on for years for little pay. You just can’t.
The deeper the commitment, the more intense the lessons learned once broken. Sure, there is plenty to be learned about keeping our commitments as well, but that is another article. This is about the lessons of a broken commitment, perhaps the deepest commitment we consciously choose as humans.
Before diving into the lessons I learned, it’s only fair to give a little background on what happened. After nearly thirty-five years as a bachelor, I found an amazing woman who loved me deeply and who I loved deeply as well. Despite our mutual love for each other, something was missing for me from the start. As I would learn, that something was me. I had worked so hard for so many years, while searching so intently on finding the one, that I had forgot to look inward and explore who I really was.
As it became clear that my work was no longer fulfilling and I was not living my purpose, I began to search deeper. Just as we began to take our relationship to the next level, I began diving deeper in exploring myself and the man I wanted to be. Sure, there are situations where our partner can assist us through this process. But for me, I realized that there was a lot of transformation I needed to do, and to do it, I needed to go at it alone.
Leaving the relationship was not easy for me. Breaking my loyalty and commitment seemed to go against everything I was (or believed myself to be). Ultimately my ex had to be the one to break it off when it was clear to both of us things weren’t working. The next day was my birthday and we went out to the Hamptons, where she surprised me with my first skydiving experience.
Skydiving kicked off my journey to really explore all the life I had left, and to get focused on how I wanted to live it. I travelled for months in South East Asia, took up yoga and meditation, participated in Ayahuasca ceremonies, moved from New York to Miami and surrounded myself with positive people.
Currently, I am happier than I’ve ever been. I owe much of that, and who I am now, to my divorce and to my ex. In my writing I attempt to share the experiences and tools that have best helped me along my journey. Recently, I realized that if I didn’t share my divorce as one of those, I’d be omitting such a critical piece. So I chose to write about these lessons, deeply ingrained in me, as a result of my experience with divorce.
The 7 Spiritual Laws of Divorce:
If you open your heart, love opens your mind. — Charles John Quarto
#1 | You Don’t Know Shit — I mean this is the most positive way possible, but it’s true. You can scheme, analyze and plan all you want but the Universe has other ideas. I thought I had it all figured out, thought divorce would never be in my story, and that I would live happier ever after. I was wrong and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
We humans like to be in control, we like being right. It’s hard to give it up, but the truth is it rarely serves us. We aren’t supposed to know definitively every move we are supposed to make ahead of time. If we did, what would be the point of playing the game?
#2 | Detach to Attach — Sure, it’s good to understand what you want in a partner. Most of us; however, become attached to this idea we conjure up as to who that person should be. And we become attached to who we should be with that person. We become so attached that we feel lack when this ideal person is not in our lives. And we feel lack with the person we are with when we don’t feel how we expected to feel.
Only when you are happy completely detached from another person, can you truly find happiness with that person. No relationship will save you, complete you or make you love yourself. If you feel incomplete, now is not the time to look for a life partner. Now is the time to invest in doing the work that enables you to feel complete. Then that partner will show up. It may be weeks, months or years but there really aren’t any good shortcuts.
#3 | Surrender is Sweet — When we give up being right and detach from our expectations, then we enable ourselves to surrender. While some view this word as giving up, it is quite the opposite. Surrendering is accepting the flow of life, trusting that our life plan will execute exactly as it is meant to if we don’t try to force its direction.
When we get out of our own way, give up being right and open to possibility, life unfolds in far better ways than we could have ever planned. We fight for our smallness, the Universe is here to support our greatness.
#4 | You Have All You Need — Yes you. Seriously everything you need is all around you. No matter how bad your last breakup, how many pounds you want to lose or how old you think you are, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You didn’t lose the game of life, you are still here. There is a reason, or you wouldn’t be here.
Stop thinking about how your life should have been and what you need to happen for it to be how you want it to be. Embrace it all, open up to the lessons it is all trying to teach you. Be open to the changes you are here to make. After that, it all just starts to flow.
#5 | Look In The Mirror — Our partners are our mirrors, as are all the people we’ve chosen to have in our lives, including our parents. Those things you don’t like about your partner, they are simply a reflection of what you see missing in yourself. It’s easy to place your issues on someone else, as you get to avoid dealing with your own underlying perceived inadequacy.
No matter how much your partner changes (and they rarely do), it won’t solve the root cause. At some point, you will need to look in the mirror, face yourself without the masks you wear, and decide to make a shift. Wonder why you keep making the same bad choices? Look no further. As soon as you are willing to look, you will begin to remove the beliefs and behaviors that do not suit you. Then, only then, the people who you want in your life will appear.
#6 | Remove All Conditions — This is perhaps the toughest lesson to learn. To love unconditionally is really our life’s work. Every challenge we have with anyone is here to show us we have further to go. When you can accept everyone just as they are with full love in your heart, you are truly an elevated, enlightened being.
For the rest of us, we struggle with who did what last, whether someone cleaned up properly or if they’ve gained a pound or two. None of this matters. We make it matter to avoid the tougher questions. Notice it, observe it and know that it is not the issue. Find ways to love despite these things and your heart will open wide. All of a sudden, these minor annoyances will cease to exist.
#7 | Give Fully — We all hold back in areas of our lives. Whether it is fear of failure, rejection or another deep rooted cause. This is not practice, this is your life, and you only get what you put into it. If you are withholding your gifts, beauty or love, you are jipping yourself and all those around you of your light.
When we hold back, we create seperation from our soul and from others. Don’t wait for others to give or to feel a certain level of security. Give now, give often and watch as you transform, and as you transform all those around you.
Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again. — Max Lucado
Do I really believe that everyone should aim to get divorced? Of course not. And if kids are involved, obviously that complicates things greatly. But as I look back, I truly am grateful daily for all that my divorce has taught me. Almost everyday I recognize ways of being that I know didn’t exist prior to my divorce. As I look forward, I have so much more confidence in who I am and how I want to live my life.
As I look around my life, many of the kindest and happiest people I know have been divorced. I know it is not an accident. I also know that for many, it can go the other way. But for those interested in growing, who examine what can be learned in every situation, being divorced is a PHD in life. Everything you need to learn, exists in that experience if you let it teach you.
My heart is open wider than it has ever been. I know I’m on the right path. My commitments to others, myself and the world are stronger than they have ever been. I am rarely triggered and am far more accepting of myself. I’ve gotten to a place where I am truly proud of my divorce. I am proud of everything I’ve been through, of the relationship I’ve maintained with my ex and of exactly who and where I am now.
Like everything in life, words only have the meaning we ascribe to them. Failure, including divorce, exists to teach us. I am grateful for this wise teacher.