Self Esteem and Self Worth

When I was in 7^th and 8^th grade, I was verbally and emotionally abused by a school staff member. It all began because I started having panic attacks in 7^th grade so I was sent to the school counselor. Without my parent’s permission she began to see me weekly. I was already being abused verbally at home and neglected emotionally so I was vulnerable and looking for help. Those junior high (now called middle school) years are when a kid’s self identity and self esteem really develops and being abused in the ways I was really messed me up.

That lady made me feel like I was worthless. I told her about my dad driving the car while totally wasted, nearly killing himself, my mom, and me. She didn’t even ask if I was okay. Not too long after – I asked her for help getting away from him because I knew I was in danger. She told me that no one had saved her from her alcoholic dad so why should she save me? I internalized that…I wasn’t worth saving. I still feel that way, I’m not worth saving. That I’m not worth anything. And no, I don’t know why I internalized that from one person…well, I didn’t just from one person. As a child I was never put first in my household so I never felt important or cherished by my parents. So I never got that “I’m special” feeling.

How do I change that? I wish I knew! I’m not sure how to develop that sense of self worth and self esteem that others seem to have already developed. I’m not sure if it even can be developed at this age. A large part of me thinks that if its not developed at that crucial age that it never can be developed. And I need to learn to cope without it.