Marrying Against the Wishes of Your Parents

When you decide to turn your back on your parent’s desires and marry someone they do not approve of, this often leads to the end of the family.

In some places, one will be ‘disowned’.    In some places, one will be ‘officially dead’.

To think that the person you are marrying can obliterate that punishment is a mistake.   A serious mistake which might never be corrected.

No one person can fill you.

In basic families there is a mother and a father and grandparents and brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles.   One is born with an entire network of people on whom one can rely.

You need help with your homework?  Daddy can do the Math, Mommy is good with the book reports, big sister knows about history.

You want a bicycle?  Uncle knows someone, cousin can teach you how to ride.

You want a car? Grandpa’s brother has a lot and one of your relatives will teach you.

Now you are grown and standing on your own two feet and think that this person whom they disprove will fill you.  So you choose that person over them.

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Now you are alone.

That one person can not fill the void, and that one person might either take advantage of your emptiness or despite trying, be unable to meet your needs.

You are alone in the world except for that one person on whom you have packed all your needs.

Many relationships under this kind of pressure collapse.  They collapse because being isolated is not normal for humans.

The pressure put on the other person to be everything to you might be all right in the first days, weeks, but then, that person needs to breathe.   Needs to think and consider all the internal matters.   Of course, with you there, clinging, it is not possible.

The slightest request for alone time is seen as rejection.   Leads to crying and words and reconciliation.    A totally unnecessary drama.

These dramas destroy the relationship.

Then you are alone.   There is no one to go to who has to take you in.  No one you can call or rely on.   It is that one person or no one.

This is why if you have a choice, do not marry if your parents object.




  • kaylar

    View Comments

    • During the old days, some parents usually follow this kind of preferences in marrying someone for their offspring. As the years go by, it changes dramatically. The best thing the parents to do is not to force their child to marry based on their taste. They can give advice and let their child decides who's a person to marry. Forced marriage is not ideal because it will not work out in the long run. That's the reason why some married couple filed a divorce case because of incompatibility. If things happen, then their children will suffer the most.

      On the other hand, I do agree that some countries are not open to such freedom of whom to get married to. I can still remember one of my Muslim friends that his mother will be the one to choose a bride for him. Of course, I had some questions about it. "What if you really don't like the woman?" He said it is his obligation to follow his mother. If not being married to the chosen woman, his family will be in shamed in their community.

      • The problem comes when a person chooses someone the Parents don't like. If you were to fall in love and pick someone yet your parents liked and approved of, well that is one thing. But if they don't like the person and refuse to accept the marriage... that is a world of problems.

    • This is a big problem in many families and I personally have come across where parents have treated the son or the daughter who has so married to be no more in their life. It is a sad reality. I feel bad for both but more so for the parents because in one stroke the trust which parents place on the children is broken. One should understand that marriages are made with families and not individuals. But since the times have changed elders should also learn to accept the ground realities. And the children should also not end up troubling their parents for their own reasons. Child parent relationship are a case of mutual trust and this trust should not be broken. The most important thing is that children should not do something which will upset the parents mind. While there are many happy endings once a grandson or a granddaughter is born. In a lot of other cases the exact opposite happens and the girl or the boy ends being thrown out of the family and the relationship with the parents. These are all sensitive issue and should not be trampled upon. Elders should also forgive them and leave them alone no doubt that pain keeps lingering on till death. A thought provoking article well written.

      • We share the same sentiments. To be thrown out of the family is hard on everyone and very often there is no reconciliation. The relationship may not last and the parents move on, the child has to recreate a life for there is no home to go to.

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