the little girl inside me
If you know me from other sites, you’ll know that I was abused growing up. Back in the ’60’s, no one intervened in what happened at home, as they do nowadays. No one spoke about abuse back then, it was just part of life and you never talked to anyone else about it. By standards nowadays if people would have known what was going behind our home doors, we probably would have been in foster care..anyways…
Our dad was the abuser, physically and mentally, even sexual in today’s standards. There are still parts of my that turn into that little girl. When the man I’m with starts pushing me around, I curl up in a ball thinking of what my dad did and how I was so vulnerable against him. All I could do was sit in a ball, cringing and crying. Or when a man raises his voice to me, I cringe,tighten up in a ball, because I knew what ever he had to say was my fault or how stupid I was.
There are times even now, when my husband gets mad at something, I take it personal, because when our dad yelled at us, it was because we had done something/said something that wasn’t good enough. So, today my husband who has sleeping problems was yelling this morning because he didn’t get any sleep and yet he has to work. Now, I know there are times that when my allergies are acting up, I snore. When I snore the hubby can’t sleep. So he was raising his voice to me about not getting sleep. It was like I was that little girl all over again as my dad was yelling at me for something that I had done wrong in his eyes. When my husband was ranting about him not getting sleep, I was convinced like that little girl in the past, that I AM the problem, it’s my fault. So, curled up in a ball and crying, not saying anything, because I knew there was nothing I could say that would make it better and it WAS my fault.
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I feel sad for reading this and I am sorry what had happened to you. I wouldn't have guessed that as you sounds so positive now. You must have gone through a lot and you are doing great to make the change and not continue to live in the darkness.
According to the sleeping problem your husband has, I think you just can't help it when you snore. My husband told me I snore when I am very tired as well. I think it's just normal. I think there will still be a way to solve it. Is it possible if he put on ear plugs, so he will not be disturbed? Let him know that it's not what you want, and see how you can solve it together with him, so both of you can sleep well, and you don't feel bad too.
Hope you realize that it's not your fault, it's not your problem, it's nothing wrong with you at all! Hope I can give you a hug, hope the little girl inside of you get healed soon. Love her and embrace her! :)
It's really unfortunate what you suffered as a kid. The scars of the past are hard to erase especially when you faced abuse as a child who has nowhere to turn to except his parents and I can't even imagine what the trauma would be like when your own father is the one who is abusing you.
All I can say is try to move on with your life. Don't let your past affect your present. Past is gone forever but the future is in your hands. Don't let the monsters of the past eat away your happiness. My prayers and blessings are with you!
A good communication, a constant communication would solve the problem of misunderstanding. At home, we have a family gathering and we meet together with my wife and with our children. We call it as Family Home Evening. We start it with a prayer, then singing of the Church hymn. We proceed with a perk up games among us. Then my wife would give a spiritual message and I will follow it up by citing the actual or the realities. This is where I discuss the problem of our family, the concern of our children, and we note them well for resolution. It won't take long than an hour. After that, we have a snack for everyone to partake. So we have no miscommunication. We lead our family according to the nurture and admonition of the Lord.