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Things happen in life. One experiences various unpleasant events. Whether it is the Nanny who poisons the child’s mind against the parent, whether it is the abusive man who uses his wife for a punching bag, or the Boss From Hell, leaving is not the end of it.
Leaving without analysus, without investigation and comprehension is not the end of the matter. It is no more than putting a doily over a stain, or never walking on that street again.
It doesn’t solve the problem, it doesn’t make the issue go away, it only suppresses it.
For example, Jody was turned against her mother by the helper. When she was about 16 she realised that the helper, Yvette, didn’t mean her any good and only used her. So Jody went to live with an Aunt.
Jody never, not in the past two decades sat down to talk to her mother, to talk to anyone about what happened. Jody simply puts a ‘doily’ over it.
When Jody went to get married and her mother expressed ideas, she shouted; “I want my wedding the way I want my wedding! And you don’t have to come!”
Her mother did nothing to deserve that treatment. And her mother would have never received that treatment if Jody had confronted what she had been through. But Jody never has. So her relationship with her mother is a phone call every week for about ten minutes where nothing is discussed.
The relationship will never be repaired until Jody goes over the ‘Yvette inputs’ and finds them, extracts them, and she and her mother can examine them.
In many abusive relationships the wife (or husband) leaves and slams the door and decides not to think about it. This is a good strategy for the first two, three even four years. But there has to be a point where the victim goes over each act, sees where and when and how, and comes to the conclusion that s/he never did anything to provoke it and that all provocation; the ‘reason’ why the abuser reacted, was created by him/her.
Nancy left her abusive husband decades ago. She examined it all, she went through it line by line, keeping the good bits as well as the bad bits.
Running into him later in life and having to actually work with him on a short project, she could actually ‘bookmark’ things he was doing to provoke her. As she had done the entire retrospective before, as soon as he tried to introduce the ‘you say right so we go left’ paradigm she instantly smiled and agreed to go left, not saying a single word more.
She had learned herself. Nancy had learned that walking away from the relationship doesn’t nullify it. It is nullified when she understood it and avoided the clear ‘traps’.
Had she not gone beyond the physical walking away into the intellectual analysis she might have, as if she were a human being with rights said something to contradict him and thus engage his anger. But she didn’t.
Nancy did not, as nothing was important save getting through this project as quickly as possible and getting away from him.
Unlike Jody, Nancy has had the retrospective and so can gain the entirety of herself her Ex sought to capture. Jody is still on weak terms with her mother because she refuses to examine and recognise what happened, what she did, and make amends.
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I don't think Jody needs to go over the “Yvette inputs”. Jody could just make a conscience decision to just start over with her mother again using a “clean slate”. Start a brand new relationship. Why not? Her mother started out their relationship in their lives when Jody was a “blank slate”.
Any child that doesn't give their parent honor and respect is likely going down the wrong path. That's generally speaking. Yes there are some parents who have mistreated their children and abused them. But even they can be forgiven. Though they may have a created a “hell” for you (the child) when you were growing up under their roof, that doesn't mean you have to stay in that hell now that you're all grown up.
It's your life now. Make the best of it. Don't carry around grudges and bad memories. That's just an extra unnecessary burden that you're bearing. Sure! You're damaged goods. But you're sill here on planet earth! Childhood under a parent or parents usually only last about 18 years. After that most people live another 40 or 50 years. What are you going to do? Spend your entire life being miserable and unhappy? Once you walked out the door of your parents' home you took charge of yourself! Any screw ups after that … it's on you!
I can't speak about an abusive relationship with a spouse from personal experience. But I dare say if you're in a life and death situation on a daily basis, you need to run for your life!!
"Make Believe That Part Didn't Happen" does not work. One can not pretend or decide to simply 'block out'. One must confront the events. Nancy did the retrospective so that she could see how her Ex had pushed her, caused her to react, then could 'punish her'.
Because she realised this, having to work with him on a project she was alert to the tricks he would use. So after a pleasant first contact when she made a suggestion and he jumped on the other side, expecting her to 'defend' her point and open the door to his attack she didn't. She let it go.
This meant he had absolutely no power over her.
Jody can not ever develope a normal relationship with her mother until she fully examines what happened.
Those who stuff poison of in the children's mid are those who become tired of husband's negative behavior no change from the marriage to children's birth and when they grow up women think to take revenge their husband I have seen they do right things because men take interest in other women I have received from many clients of different countries that their husbands take interest in other women ignoring their real wives. How can we mend them in positive ways.
When I make horoscope both of the I see and wonder husbands become fault and really they ignore their wives at homes and take interest in other women out of homes.
Well the topic is quite general and can be said to be an integral part of every couples’ life. Even the happiest couples have been failed to escape the fight phase between them even though they once thought that they are the perfect couple and nothing can wrong between them
Even though it sounds silly but it is indeed one of the main reasons of fights among couples. And in this case the patriarchy rules while they put the entire blame of taking hours to get ready on their female counterpart. While girls do manage to look stunning after hours of hard-work and ignoring with a smile all the rushes that their husbands try to put them through, yet little arguments or conflicts do take place because of this reason.
Some might say getting insecure is over possessiveness but at times it is justified as it might just be a word of concern from your partner’s side. Understanding your partner’s point of view is also equally important which most of the couple lacks to a great extent, and that is exactly where the blame-game starts.
Jody never analysed, never went through the events to understand what happened, and work it out. Nancy did.
Jody does not have a good relationship with her mother; the psychological damage is there. Nancy, having done this, was alert when her Ex tried to provoke her and came through the encounter stronger.
We all go through certain issues in life.difficulties are part and parcel of our lives we cannot even try to run away from it whatever we do. Parents have a really big role to play in a child's life, And when that is not done that is when children go astray.
And then we are always told that as parents you should always be involved in the life of your child. It's always good to know what they are up to, who they are talking to, where they go and so on and so forth. This way you will always know if a child is going astray or if there is something wrong with them even without asking.
Like in the case of jody , I am doubting that the mum was involved in her life. Looks like the house help did most of the things that the mother should be a been doing. From what I have read she probably had a lot of time with the kid to have been able to poison her against her own mother. She seems to have believed in her more than the mother because she was there for her more often. I feel when the child walked away to go and live with her aunt the mum should have been th3 authority there at that time and try and find the reasons why the child has taken such a drastic move, but she didn't. The best thing that should happen right now, is not to bury the feelings of the past, but to walk path backwards with the mum and see where it all started. Then of course they will be able to find the root cause of that problem and find ways to resolve th3whole thing and get doubts out of their minds and shade off the hatred that has manifested in their lives for years. Only then will that get back to their nornal lives walking away from problems or misunderstandings never made anything better.
That is exactly what should be done. The mother had to work. The child, now adult, would understand that.