DISCOVERING THE CHILD AS NEEDED 3 Round Up

After discovering that child, you will soon make another discovery. It is the child that

does ALL the work. It is the child who does your job, raises your children, and relates to

your spouse. In contrast, the role of internal parent is both simple and singular. The

parent observes and evaluates the child. In other words, the internal parent watches

the child and then makes comments (to the child) about the child’s behaviour and

performance. In spite of its simplicity, the comments exchanged between the internal

parent and that child is central to our discussion of internal motivation. For in the final

analysis, this book examines the motivation of the worker not the observer. This book

examines the motivation of your internal child.

The relationship between the parent and the child inside you has been operating for

years. However, now that it is raised to a conscious level, the condition of that

relationship can be examined.

Do you ever “talk to yourself?” I’m betting you do. We all do. However now you can

picture that rather abstract self-talk more concretely by visualizing it as the internal

parent addressing the child. Within that framework, you will have given yourself

handles for getting in control of that conversation and turning it to your best advantage.

You will begin to see others who have yet to make this discovery — wandering frustrated

through life due to their own lack of motivation and energy — feeling in many respects

like that condition is in some manner foisted on them from outside of themselves. As

long as that is their perspective, they powerlessly wait as victims of life for external

conditions to change. There is no sadder plight.

My encouragement to you would be to listen carefully to the conversation of your

internal parent as it addresses the child. Be particularly alert to those moments in which

the child fails to live up to the parent’s expectations. What does the parent say? What

tone of voice does the parent take? How does the parent look at the child? What is the

reaction of the child?

Do you know the answers to these questions already? Or you might need to take

several days before you’re ready to journal your observations.

Now I wish to pose to you a question that could be one of those once in a lifetime

breakthrough questions for you . . ..

Do you ever hear the internal parent compliment the child?

In posing that question to hundreds of participants in my seminars the most frequent

response has always been “But I would feel so silly. It wouldn’t seem right. I would feel

like the child would only get a big head.”

Now I wish you to consider the following. As much as negative conversation from the

parent can erode the internal child’s self confidence and subsequently his or her

motivation, positive feedback from the parent fuels the child’s drive. I have yet to meet

an internal child that didn’t want to please the internal parent. Due to discouragement,

it might have stopped trying, but at its heart, it wants the parent’s approval.

The next time that your child tries to please the parent, take time to use internal talk to

praise the child. If for nothing else, praise the child for at least trying.

However, what else can you think of that you know you could share as a compliment

with your internal child right now? Why not write it in the space below?