Feeling Better VS Seeming Better

There are some days when my therapist, a psychologist, is a total ditz. Yesterday she brought up sending me away to residential treatment for a month in another state since I’m in and out of the hospital here and an outpatient program didn’t help me either. She mentioned sending me back to a place in town where I went 6 years ago, long before I knew her…

A place where I was raped at in the middle of the night by a staff member! She said maybe the staff had changed! Also, she didn’t want me to go back there but it was the only in town option. Why was she even considering it – it doesn’t even have the therapy she’s wanting me to seek out!!!! She really considered entrusting my care to that place for even a millisecond?

This lady has given me the best care on Earth and I’m lucky to have her, but when she gets concerned and scared for me…wow she puts her foot in her mouth. And she even admitted it right after bringing up residential care that she’d done just that. Its still mind boggling that she’d even go there in the conversation! I’m spending therapy time having to try and heal from what happened to me at that residential treatment center.

Between that and my last hospital visit’s disaster…the hospital is no longer an option. If I feel suicidal I will be waiting it out on my own. I can’t reach out for help anymore, its going to cause me too much harm. I will use my writing and online games to cope I think, people can’t be relied upon in that situation to handle it. No offense to any readers – but that is what my treatment team wants to see me do, handle it on my own. Its not so much that they want me to feel less suicidal but to just handle it without them knowing about it and hearing about it. At least that is the impression I’m being given. Its not about feeling better but about SEEMING better.