Being Proactive; Preventing Sibling Capitulation

As a parent who has more than one child, the potential of one ‘dominating’ the other is live.  I am not talking simply about a bully or the elder taking charge of the younger.  I am focusing on a problem which few notice.  The serious issue of when one child feels overwhelmed by the achievements of the other, and simply quits trying.

I am using two siblings, but this pattern exists where there is more than the elder/younger, but is often more pronounced when there are only two.

EXAMPLE

The first child received all the focus that new parents bestow.   It was not until she was three years of age that the second was born.

The first was precocious.  She was very friendly, very bright, very adventurous.   She wanted to play sports,  she excelled at school.   She felt she could do anything.

The second was awed by the elder sister.

She couldn’t do with the elder did.  She didn’t learn how to ride a bicycle until she was nearly 12, never learned to swim.  The only sport she was good at was running.

The Second was not very academic, and it took her six years to complete a four year degree.  The First completed in 3 1/2 years.

The Second had given up trying to match the First.   She just gave up and drifted.   It was only after the First got married and moved away that the Second began to emerge as a person.

WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE

The Parents never took the overshadowing of the younger child with any importance.   They shrugged when she did not pass for a superior school.   They never seemed to think it was important that the second could not do what the first did so easily; whether it was swimming or playing ball or riding a bike.

What they ought have done was to separate the children at a young age; sending them to different schools, and enrolling the 2nd in various activities the 1st was not interested in.

The 2nd, if placed in a different school, would have stood on her own, would have made friends, and been successful at various activities that the elder was not involved in.

In this way, each would follow a different path.   This would have allowed the younger to achieve at her level without comparison, and to strive without fear of not ‘measuring up’.

Steps

1. Notice if there is a difference in abilities in children, and do not think keeping them together is of benefit when one can not ‘measure up’.
2. Create  different activities so there is no competition.   If this one is interested in sports, enrol the other in dance.
3. Watch for domination/capitulation.    In many families the elder child decides where to go, what to do.  Remove this from that child’s ambit by setting venues for them.   If they both disagree with your choice tell them to pick three other venues.   Then, write them on paper, fold them up, drop them in a hat and let the little one select.

In this way, one softly erodes the ‘control’ the elder has over the younger, and allows the younger to develop their own personality.