Author Posts

April 27, 2017 at 4:58 pm

*Wife:*- Woooooooooow!!, darling I have a very big surprise for you, I can’t believe this.
*Husband:* – ok pls I will call you back, I’m about to receive a contract of N30 million.
*Wife:* – Darling, that is good news but this one is very urgent pls come home now, pls it’s VERY URGENT.
*Husband:*- but I’m about to…
*Wife:* – PLS JUST COME HOME BABY,TRUST ME.
*Husband:*- em.. please my wife just called me for an urgent thing. Pls grant me permision to go and come back quick.
*Company:*- Well, if you leave, I’m afraid we may have to cancel the contract.
The man weighed the options and decided that his home was more important than any contract. So after few minutes The man rushed home.
*Husband:* _(Seriously sweating)– Honey why this urgent surprise,when I was about to sign a contract worth N30 million?
*Wife:*- Honey, our troubles are over and God has finally answered our prayers.
*Husband:*- Are you pregnant?
*Wife:* – Haba honey, this is more than pregnancy, if it’s just pregnancy I wouldn’t have stopped you from signing your contract.
*Husband:* – Wow, so what’s d surprise?
*Wife:* _(Being happy)_ Honey, I can’t believe this, you know we have been praying over 6 months now? God has finally answered us.
That Big rat
that always disturbed us in the kitchen is finally dead, I called you to come and remove it. You know I hate touching rats.
WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU WERE THIS WOMAN’S HUSBAND??
Good Morning

April 27, 2017 at 5:05 pm

OYINBO HAS DONE IT AGAIN You can now check your weight on your phone; just dail *158#, put your phone on the ground then stand on it, if you want accurate reading, just jump on it and quickly check out the reading. No need to thank me for this info. Haba!!! What are we friends for ?

April 27, 2017 at 5:18 pm

An announcement to all members of this group. We are humbly requesting you all to leave the group tomorrow morning from 9am to 1pm. *we want to PAINT the room*because the paints on the walls are dirty, thank you!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

April 27, 2017 at 5:31 pm

LET BE HONEST

If you win #12billion and they make it compulsory to give #2billion to any of the following people. Who will you give ?(1) your mum

(2) your boyfriend

(3) Β your dad(4) your girlfriend

Note: the four of them are present at the venue where you are recieving the money

Am confused. But am going to choose ma mum

 

 

April 27, 2017 at 9:28 pm

My Eyes Detected, My Heart Reacted, Thousand Were Rejected & Only You Were Selected, , , , , Because I Needed A Monkey For An Advertisement

Do You What Is GIRL
G Ghost I In R Real L Life , , , , So Avoid Girls And Forward Their Number, Dont Worry About Me, I,m A Professional In Ghost Handling

Attitude Of Girls: When A Boy Sends Dirty Sms, She Laughs For 10minutes, She Forward It To Her Friends And Then Replies The Boy “i Don,t Like That Kind Of Sms , Ok?

April 28, 2017 at 5:02 am

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

A: Pull down its genes.

 

Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?

A: The Nucleus

 

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Don’t pay her.

 

Q: How do you tell the gender of a person?

A: You pull there genes down.

 

Q: Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages?

A: He was a man of many cultures.

 

Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?

A: Designer jeans.

 

Q: Why are men sexier than women?

A: You can’t spell sexy without xy

 

Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?

A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

 

Q: What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe?

A: Mitosis

 

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

A: An itsy bitsy book.

 

Q: What does DNA stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association

 

Q: What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi.

A: I like your body, and the Golgi said it’s complex.

 

Q: What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy?

A: Chemotaxis

 

Q: How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature?

A: Romeostasis

 

Q: What do you call a FISH with no Eyes?

A: A FSH.

 

Q: What did the femur say to the patella?

A: I kneed you.

 

Q: What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?

A: I like your “style”

 

Q: How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?

A: He caught the garter snake.

 

Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?

A: All his feathers are combed over to one side.

 

Q: Where do you bury dead people?

A: Asymmetry

 

Q: What do football players wear on their heads?

A: Helminth

 

Q: What is the study of real estate?

A: Homology

 

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

A: H2O cubed.

 

Q: Why was the scuba diver failing Biology?

A: Because he was below “C” level.

 

Q: How did the blonde define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?

A: Fear of utility bills.

 

Q: What is the reproductive area in South America?

A: Spermatagonia

 

Q: Where do hippos go to university?

A: Hippocampus

 

Q: What type of flowers does everybody have?

A: two-lips.

 

Q: How do you know your dehydrated?

A: You can hear your red blood cells crenating.

 

Q: How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

 

Q: Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards?

A: They like to avoid the flush.

 

Q: Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets?

A: Polly, Ethel and Ian

 

There is a problem with noses.

What is it?

They all ways get in other people’s business.

Huh?

They’re just too nosy!

 

Biology the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

 

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

 

Why do noses run but feet smell?

 

A cross eyed biology teacher was fired because she could not keep her pupils straight

 

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

 

There were for houses on a street the red house was made out of brick he purple house was made out of brick and the yellow house was made out of brick what was the greenhouse made out of?

 

Have you ever heard the story about the germ?

No?

Really? Never mind it will get around.

 

Biology Teacher: “Students, what does the chiken give you?”

Student(s): Eggs and Meat!

Teacher: “Great! What dose the pig give you?”

Student(s): Bacon!

Teacher: “Excellent! Now what does the fat cow give you?”

Student(s): HOMEWORK!!

April 28, 2017 at 5:10 am

Biology Pick Up Lines:

 

The only cleavage I want to see is at a cellular level.

 

If we were like chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair .

 

Baby, I wish I were DNA Helicase, so I could unzip your genes

 

Girl whenever I’m near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away.

 

If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: Smooth or Rough?

 

I wish I was adenine, then I could get paired with U.

 

Your chromosomes have combined beautifully

 

Girl, your so hot you denature my proteins

 

I like my sex the way I like my endoplasmic reticulum…..Rough.

 

You must be a gibberelin, because I’m experiencing some stem elongation.

 

Baby, everytime i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up

May 1, 2017 at 5:17 am

Boko Haram members Entered A [email protected] Mosque

They closed all d doors and said: we are going 2 kill only 100 people,

And we are going to start according to ur names in Alphabetical order 😧

They stated with the ImamπŸ‘³πŸ», they ask d Imam what’s ur Name?

He replied: Ziza Zabilo .

They ask d second imamπŸ‘³πŸ» he said: my name is Zunusi Zaminu

They ask the Ladan what up u?

Some one behind him quickly respond & said his name is Aliyu Abubakar.

The Ladan said: wallahi he is a liar sir, wallahi my Name is Zaliyu ZabubakarπŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

If u were there, what will be ur Name…….?

May 3, 2017 at 12:24 pm

A pilot was transporting group of mad men to a psychiatric hospital but the mad men were noisy that the pilot couldn’t hear even the informaton being passed to him from the controller. One of the mad men entered the pilots cabin and the conversation commenced:
Mad Man: pilot teach me how to fly.
Pilot: I will teach u in one condition , if u can make the others to keep quiet.
Mad Man came back every where was quiet.
Pilot: how did u do that?
mad Man replied
Mad Man: I opened the door and told them to go and play outside.
Don’t laugh too much

May 3, 2017 at 5:11 pm

images(6)I slapped a soldier today… and he ran away, that’s how I knew he was fake. Please let’s join hands and expose the fake soldiers in town. How? By slapping any soldier you come across . If he runs, then he is fake! If he doesn’t run. The Lord is your strength.

May 3, 2017 at 5:19 pm

Q: What did the bag of flour say to the loaf of bread?
A: “I saw you yeasterday”

Q: Why doesn’t bread like warm weather?
A: Things get Toasty!

Q: Why are bread jokes always funny?
A: Because they never get mold!

Q: What do you call holy bread?
A: Jesus Crust!

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Doughnuts!

Q: What did one slice of bread say to the other slice of bread when he saw some butter and jam on the table?
A: We’re toast!

Q: What does bread do after it’s done baking?
A: Loaf around.

Q: Why was the baker in a panic?
A: He was in a loaf or death situation.

Q: What happened when the baker’s wife came home early?
A: She caught her husband Masterbaking.

Q: What do the bread say to the chicken?
A: LETS GET BREADDDDYYY TO CRUMMBBLLEEEEE

Q: Why do bakers give women on special occasions?
A: Flours

Q: What does flour and yeast need?
A: A loaf nest.

Q: Have you seen the romantic comedy about bread?
A: Loaf Actually.

Q: Why did the baker go to jail?
A: He was caught beating an egg.

Q: How do you make pickle bread?
A: With dill-dough

Q: What pick up line does yeast use on flour?
A: I bread your pardon!

Q: Why did the dog jump on the counter and take a bite out of the bread?
A: Puppy loaf.

Q: What do you call a flying bagel?
A: a plain bagel.

Q: What do u call a whore who screws for 5 cents?
A: A pumpernickel!

Q: What did the baker say to the hot girl?
A: I’ll put a bun in your oven!

Q: Where does an injured sandwich go?
A: The ‘Mayo’ Clinic

Q: What did the loaf of bread say to the police officer?
A: Rye so serious?

Q: What did the yeast say to the bag of flour?
A: Come on we Knead to be serious!

Q: Can you make a sandwich with corned beef, sauerkraut, and Swiss cheese?
A: Rye not?

Q: What is a bakers favorite Beatles song?
A: “Loaf is all you knead.”

Q: What happens when you burn bread?
A: You loaf it to death.

Q: How does a loaf of bread validate it’s anger against grapes?
A: Raisining!

Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
A: They both have special needs

Q: What did the yeast confess to the bag of flour?
A: I loaf you dough much!

Q: Why did Mama Flour and Papa Yeast tell Baby Bread to get a job?
A: He was just loafing around!

Q: Why doesn’t anyone want to work in a bakery?
A: It’s a crumby place to work.

Q: What Kind of Biscuits Can Fly?
A: Plain Ones

Q: When does sourdough bread rise?
A: When you yeast expect it.

Q: What did the butter say to the bread?
A: I’m on a roll!

Q: What do you get when you mix Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A: A redhead with a yeast infection.

Q: What do you call it when a mother and child bake bread together?
A: A labor of loaf.

Q: Why does everyone need bread and water?
A: Loaf makes the world go round.

Two Buscuits walking across Union Street,
One gets hit by a bus.
The other one says,
Oh Crumbs!

Two muffins are in an oven and one says,”Wow, it’s hot in here!”
and the other muffin says,”Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!”

Nothing with zucchini in it tastes good.
Me: I bread to differ.

Enough of the bread jokes ther too crumby.

Hunger Games

Whenever I hear a good song I say
“Where’s Peeta cause this is my jam.”

To Panemaniacs,
Stop with all the bread jokes.
I don’t love bread, I loaf it

“Life is like a loaf of bread, Peeta, you never know which district it’ll be from.”
Mama Mellark

After Katniss found me almost dead
Things got toasty

When life hands you lemons, trade them for BREAD
Peeta Mellark

“I’m not bready to have sex with you, Peeta!”
Katniss Everdeen

Peetas bread rising for you πŸ™‚
Katniss you lucky bitch

Katniss: Enough with the bread jokes Peeta, we knead to be serious here.
Katniss: I’m pregnant
Peeta: You got a bun in the oven?

Katniss: Oh, Hey Peeta
Peeta: Hey Katniss! Hey, could I borrow some money, I’m out of dough.
Katniss: Don’t you have a job though?
Peeta: Yes, but my mom won’t give me a raise. :’C
Katniss: C’mon Peeta
Peeta: I kneed it!!
Katniss: *sighs and throws him a bit of change*

May 5, 2017 at 1:16 am

PLEASE DON’T EAT INDOMIE WITH FRIED EGG AGAIN AT VENDORS ESPECIALLY AT ABOKI JOINTS

I can’t believe it but it happened to my cousin last night .

My cousin and his friends went to a food vendor to eat, they told the mallam to fix 10 packs of indomie and 8 eggs, then they sat down to chill till he prepares the food……. He was cooking and they were gisting.

Suddenly he told them the food was ready and he served them. While they were eating, he asked them what they wanted to drink and they ordered for fanta and maltina, he brought the drinks, they opened it and drank.

30 minutes later, they finished eating and paid the mallam and they started walking back home when he suddenly remembered that he left his phone on the table then he ran back to get it.

Luckily,the phone was still there and he picked it ran back home to sleep!

See as u dey wait for bad news ? I don’t have any bad news joor! If e pain u……

I dey my house come and beat me.

May 5, 2017 at 1:19 am

You get f9. You still dey pocket

What if you are the one that have the A1?