Hearing A Child Is Good – Round Up

REINFORCEMENT compels us to ask the question “when was the last time you

rewarded the internal child for something the child did that pleased the parent?” Too

many times the only instances in which the internal parent talks to the child is when the

child has displeased the parent. Still in other instances the child is never able to

completely please the parent. The parent responds to the child’s performances with a

“not bad, but it could have been better” attitude. Such an attitude usually leads to the

child either dropping out or over achieve in an attempt to please the parent. Take a

moment to consider how you could more consistently build in rewards for the child.

You’ll find that it goes along ways to producing that desired motivation.

EXTINCTION asks that important question “Do I ever reward my inner child for doing

something I want him/her to quit doing?” In other words “Am I too permissive with my

inner child?” When the child does something I’m wanting to quit, do I reward the child

by continuing to do whatever we would have done if he/she hadn’t done it?” If you were

sitting in my counseling office, we would explore this question. However, without that

opportunity, you must explore this area for yourself. However, some of my clients have

told me that they have discovered that when the internal child “disobeyed,” the internal

parent felt so badly that they would go to a party just to feel better thus actually

rewarding the child for inappropriate behavior. In other words, no matter how the child

behaved nothing changed. This only reinforces undesirable behavior.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES are usually a part of everything we do. However,

sometimes as a parent we don’t allow our child to experience the natural consequences

of that behavior. The most common method of doing that with the internal child is to

use alcohol, some other drug, sex, or even work to deaden the feelings of the pain that

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could change the behavior of the internal child. By anesthetizing the pain, we dilute its

power to change the child’s undesirable behavior.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES can be imposed by the internal parent when the natural

consequences might completely destroy the internal child. The question to ask is

“When the internal child disobeys, are there any consequences to his/her behavior?”

Sometimes this is the removal of something that the child really wants to do. Have you

ever used this method of disciplining yourself?

PHYSICAL SPANKING is difficult to translate into the internal realm of the internal

parent/child relationship. However, at times I have verbally spanked my internal child.

As in physically spanking my child, I must be careful not to cross that line into child

abuse so to must I also be careful that in verbally spanking my child I don’t verbally

abuse my child. Belittling, name calling, and making the internal child feel worthless will

only demotivate and prove to be counterproductive to inner drive.IMITATION causes me

to ask if I am spending time with people who are also filled with inner drive. Time and

time again I find myself learning that I tend to become like those with whom I associate.

If I allow my internal child to be with other demotivated internal children, the process of

becoming internally motivated will be made difficult.

Do you remember the question about childhood discipline that you answered earlier in

the chapter on Secret Two? We will continue to discipline ourselves in the same

manner in which our parents disciplined us unless we stop to evaluate the effectiveness

of the methods they used.

What have you learned about yourself in relation to your own self discipline from

reading this chapter?




  • Tags: family
    Isaiah

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    • I have learned from reading your post that I am guilty of abusing my inner child. When they say that we are our own worst enemy, I have come to realize that this is so much more than just a saying. I feel that I am so much harder on myself than I am with the people around me. That may be because I wouldn't want to make others feel the hurt and pain that I feel.
      I couldn't help but feel like maybe you were speaking from experience in your writing. I wasn't certain if you were so familiar with the subject because it's a apart of your career or more so an personal experience. Either way thanks for sharing!

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